


Jason Goes Under

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adult baby, Bed-Wetting, Childhood Trauma, Daddy Kink, Diapers, Hypnotism, Infantilism, M/M, Pants-Wetting, Psychological Trauma, Wetting, messing, nappies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Charlie is seeing Jason for weekly hypnotherapy and massage appointments.There's clearly a memory that's causing Jason distress, and creating issues with a phobia of toilets.Charlie tries to improve Jason's ability to use toilets without issues, but first Jason has to work through some serious childhood issues, and that means things might get worse before they get better.And that means that Jason might need to consider some form of protection...But what protects Charlie from his fears and his own long-hidden needs and desires?





	1. Thumbs

Charlie Ludick sits, eyes closed, on his chair, in his quiet consulting room in the late Summer, imagining himself alone in a quiet, dark wood.

He is getting ready to do one of his favourite things: to give a massage, knowing that the patient is going to appreciate it.

The dark wood in his mind is peaceful. It's a place where Charlie's mind is clear.

Jason will be here in five minutes' time for his appointment. Jason always keeps his t-shirt, jeans and socks on for his massage and is generally quiet during his treatment. Jason can stand only gentle pressure, so the massage will be more of a careful stroking of the back, the arms, the shoulders, the neck, the scalp.

Charlie visualises himself moving, floating through the wood toward a clearing where his client Jason is standing, waiting.

Charlie has worked out where Jason is ticklish and now avoids those areas, too. He takes pride in knowing what Jason likes.

The massage routine has changed since the first time. It used to finish with Jason face-up having his face massaged, but early on Charlie had switched the order so that the routine ended with Jason face-down having his back stroked and patted for a longer period than normal, because that was the part Jason had said he'd liked most. Having his back stroked seems to take Jason to the edge of sleep, and Charlie likes that, because it's the deepest level of relaxation and trust he can get from a non-hypnotherapy patient.

And Jason is special, because the way he indicated his relaxation last time was not something Charlie had expected to see from someone his age.

Charlie imagines moving across the clearing to where Jason stands and imagines placing his hands on Jason's shoulders. A golden light pours from Charlie's hands into Jason's body. Charlie has always thought of massage as a moving of positive energy from one person to another.

When Jason had appeared for his first appointment he'd seemed nothing out of the ordinary. Charlie had placed him around nineteen, studenty, pale and a little freckled. He had short ginger hair with a fringe and was dressed in a light blue t-shirt and jeans. Charlie had thought that he looked geekily cute and well cared-for.

Jason had scanned Charlie's bookshelves and posters through steel-framed glasses and answered Charlie's routine questions with his adam's apple bobbing and a fair bit of diffident blinking. He had a slender cleanshaven face with blue-green eyes, and a smile that he flicked on and off a lot, nervously, not always catching Charlie's eye. His date of birth, Charlie had calculated as he wrote it down, made him a young looking twenty-three, not nineteen.

He lived quite a long way away, in the next big town.

Charlie, as he always did, had asked how he could help. Jason had said simply that he wanted some massage, and Charlie, after doing the regular checks for injuries and medical conditions, had said that would be fine, but that they had better have a test session first to see what Jason was comfortable with - and was there any particular reason Jason was seeking treatment? Jason asked if he could explain that more later on if necessary, and Charlie, being easygoing, hadn't seen a reason to insist on more information.

Charlie assumed that whatever Jason's problem was would be something fairly standard: stress; computer monitor neck ache, or maybe something he'd reveal bit later: smoking; work procrastination; a fear of heights or animals; insomnia maybe. Nothing at all out of the ordinary, or that Charlie hadn't helped people with many times before.

The only flicker in Jason had come when Charlie offered him some water. Jason refused it quite quickly and there was even the ghost of a flinch when he did so. His eyes darted away from Charlie and skittered over the shelves and posters for a little while, and his expression changed. It seemed like a small signal of vulnerability, somehow.

'Well, make sure you drink plenty afterwards. Stay hydrated,' Charlie had said.

'OK,' Jason said.

Charlie's meditative visualisation has halted in the clearing, in the forest, at the image of Jason's shoulders held in his hands. The golden light is still pouring out of Charlie into Jason, and Jason's eyes are beginning to flicker closed. It's Charlie's birthday tomorrow, thirty-sixth, and Charlie notices that he's thinking about it. Not the birthday, which will be as usual, but the number. Instead of pushing the thought of his age aside, which he's tempted to do, he allows the number to appear, cast as a shadow on the ground in the clearing in his visualisation. The idea briefly crosses his mind, as it has for the last few years, that this next age could be his halfway point in life. He's not too troubled by the thought.

Now the visualisation develops. Jason is laid out on the grass in the clearing. Charlie kneels beside him.

During their first session, Charlie had inadvertently discovered how ticklish Jason was near his ribs and armpits and especially near the tops of his legs - so much so that being touched there at all made him giggle involuntarily and writhe uncontrollably - his giggle was an unexpectedly immature sound from the self-possessed young man - and tense up. It also became clear that his tolerance for discomfort was low, and that no strong pressure could be used. Jason vocalised or sucked in air even when Charlie put a regular amount of pressure on his shoulders. Given the sensitivity of his thighs he also made it clear, by flinching away, that he didn't want any massage on his buttocks - perhaps not too unusual from a twenty-three year old man asking another man for massage.

Charlie had mentioned Jason's ticklishness afterwards, and Jason had said 'Yeah, I have to be careful with tickling.'

'You're very sensitive to it?' Charlie asked.

'Yeah. I have to be careful,' Jason repeated, cryptically, and Charlie decided to be patient and wait until Jason trusted him enough with whatever the reason was. physical or otherwise. It might be an emotional thing: being tickled meant losing control. Jason's reserved manner, and his careful indirect controlling of where he was touched, suggested someone who didn't do that willingly. There might be all kinds of reasons for that.

Jason had gone to the bathroom, taken quite a long time, then had left.

Through their short conversations at the beginning and end of the next four sessions - each time initiated by Charlie - a sketchy picture built up of Jason. He did evening shifts at a fast food restaurant in his town; he'd moved there to take a degree in History; he didn't usually go out at the weekends; he'd never smoked and tended not to drink much alcohol; he lived in a house-share; he was single; the bus ride to come here took nearly an hour. Charlie didn't pry. It wasn't his role to, but those were the things that got mentioned.

There was nothing more said, though, about Jason's sensitivity to tickling, or what had drawn him first to the idea of massage, Information came only slowly. Charlie was happy to wait; professionalism demanded it anyway.

And in the meantime, Charlie, through carefully reading Jason's physical signals, gave him better and better massages, and Jason kept coming back around once a week. Charlie offered him a discount for regular appointments. There were lots of minor changes once the basic routine was established. A couple of new ticklish areas were discovered and avoided. Charlie discovered that spreading pressure out and applying it more slowly enabled more to be put on without Jason squirming. After the third time it became clear from how he moved about that Jason felt uncomfortable face-down, with his head in the hole of the massage table, so instead Charlie got him to lie on his side instead with a pillow under his head and another under his arm, more like being in bed, while he did the back massage.

Then, at the beginning of the last session Jason had said something that pointed to a possible issue. He apologised for being late and said that he'd slept in because he hadn't been sleeping well at nights lately.

'Is that a new thing?' Charlie had asked, while washing his hands.

'I've had it a lot. This week. More than normal.'

'I see. It can be more common in people your age. There's a theory that people your age naturally wake later and rise later than little children and adults.'

Charlie had noticed his slip. 'I mean older adults, of course,' he added and suddenly felt embarrassed at bracketing Jason with the teenagers and kids. Jason looked at him without saying anything.

During the last treatment, Jason didn't vocalise at all from discomfort, hadn't tensed up at any point. All the little problems had been ironed out and Jason was completely relaxed in Charlie's care. Charlie decided that a couple of extra minutes of back-strokes past the finish time would be OK if Jason fell asleep up to the end of the routine.

And, sure enough, when the massage was nearly over, and Jason's appointment time was almost up, Jason finally tipped from deep relaxation into sleep. His breathing lengthened further and there was the occasional myoclonic twitch from his legs and arms. Charlie, although not aiming for it, was pleased with this result. Jason may have been tired to begin with but for Charlie his falling asleep suggested he had perfected what worked for Jason.

And then it had happened. Jason, still asleep, started to pull his legs up, bent his knees. Charlie let him move, then waited for Jason to stir and open his eyes. After a few moments, though, the young man's breath lengthened again and he carried on sleeping, then there was another spasmodic twitch from his leg that showed he was going under again.

Charlie had had an overwhelming instinct not to break the spell. Jason had to be allowed to sleep and be woken very carefully if he didn't awaken naturally. Charlie adjusted the pillow under Jason's right arm, which was otherwise in danger of falling off the edge of the table, and Jason instinctively pulled the pillow to his chest. Charlie shifted around and kept up a light up and down stroke of Jason's back, waiting for him to come to.

Then he had looked back at Jason's face to see if he showed any sign of awakening, and noticed that Jason had pulled his thumb toward his mouth and had it resting on his lips.

Charlie had tried then to wake him; didn't want the guy to be embarrassed, so he'd taken his shoulder and given it a gentle squeeze, but it didn't work. Jason had slept on and before Charlie had had a chance to start calling his name, Jason had put his thumb fully in his mouth. Not only that he'd started sucking on it.

Charlie hadn't been sure what to do at this point. He didn't want Jason to wake up now with his thumb in his mouth knowing Charlie had seen it. It would be a step back. Charlie couldn't care less if Jason sucked his thumb, but Jason might mind him knowing. Charlie also didn't think he'd be able to ease Jason's thumb out without waking him up in too sudden a way.

So Charlie, after seeing if more back strokes and another shoulder squeeze would arouse Jason, had stepped away from the table, faded down the music and run the tap, washing his hands. It worked. the noise and the withdrawal of reassuring physical contact had woken Jason, who had stirred and asked 'how long was I asleep?'

'Oh, not long,' Charlie had said looking down at his hands in the sink. 'Just at the end. It wasn't a problem. Often happens.'

As he'd turned back, Jason had been looking dubiously at his wet thumb, and started to say, 'Um, did I - ' but didn't finish the sentence. Then he had casually dried his thumb on his jeans, and said nothing about it. There was just a slightly puzzled expression. It was the same puzzled expression you often see on the face of someone recently awoken from a dream.

'Can I use your bathroom?' Jason asked.

He was in there quite a long time, as usual.

Letting the memory drop away, Charlie brings himself out of his imaginary clearing with the shadow of the number thirty-six across it, out of the forest back up the stairs, opens his eyes and finds himself looking at his poster of the meridians of the body. He hardly looks at it these days, he knows it so well.

The bell rings and Jason is there, outside, here for his next appointment.

Charlie feels refreshed, enthused and ready.

He doesn't know how unready he is.


	2. Hands

Until six years ago, Charlie been a primary school teacher and for the first few years had enjoyed it. He liked nearly all the kids he taught, but he was at his best with the shy, unconfident kids, the vulnerable ones. In any class of nine-year-olds, he always seemed to instantly spot what the other teachers called the 'hand-holders' or 'the cryers' and, in one extreme case, 'the pants-wetter'. They were the kids that found the hurly-burly of the classroom and the strain of social contact a bit too much, and who were most likely to be found in tears over some playground smash, an emotional upset or - in the one case - yet another unexpected accident.

Charlie, soft-spoken and smiling, seemed to know how to comfort a cryer, and always tried to make time to do it properly. But teaching had many other demands. The reports, the boisterous kids and the staffroom politics had all taken their toll. Before he hit thirty Charlie left teaching, and become a therapist. Now he offered reiki massage, counselling and - his specialism - hypnotherapy. There was something about a successful hypnosis that he loved: the way the client's face softened, the jaw slackened, and you could tell they were completely relaxed and trusting.

Jason seems a little nervy again this time, like the first time. The conversation is a little stilted, as if there's something not being said.

Charlie takes the initiative: 'OK. Do you want to get straight on the table, or do you need a comfort break or anything first? I know you have a long bus ride.'

'No, no, thanks.'

'Is there anywhere you'd like me to concentrate on today?'

Jason shakes his head. 'I just hope I don't fall asleep this time.' His laugh is a nervous one.

'It's not a problem if you do.'

'Really?' Jason looks dubious.

'Doesn't bother me,' Charlie wants to be clear on this point. 'So long as you are relaxed, that's the main thing. Did you sleep well last night?'

'Not that well.'

'That happened last time, didn't it?'

'It's happening a lot lately.'

'And that's a new thing, right?'

'I've sometimes had insomnia,' Jason says, 'Other nights I sleep like a baby.'

Charlie sees Jason colour up as soon as he's said it.

'Maybe that's something we could work on, if it's a problem for you.'

'The insomnia, you mean?'

'If you wanted.'

'It's not the main issue.'

'Well, if there's anything I could help with.'

Jason pauses, blushing again, and looks away from Charlie. Not quite ready yet, thinks Charlie. But nearly.

'If I do fall asleep,' Jason eventually says, 'will you wake me, please?'

'Sure. What's a good way?'

'Just give me a shake.'

'I'll try squeezing your shoulder and talking to you first.'

'But if that doesn't work. Don't let me sleep for long.'

'OK. I won't.'

Jason is still standing, shifting slightly on the spot. Charlie watches him a moment.

'Did you say you were OK for a bathroom break?' says Charlie, not sure how to interpret his body language, and then feeling a bit silly for having asked him that twice.

'Er, I'm - no, I'm OK.'

'OK. I'm ready when you are.'

Jason still pauses another second or so, and Charlie watches him, not sure what he's waiting for. Then, apparently making a decision, Jason hops up on to the massage table and lays on his back for the first part of the massage, which is a careful, non-ticklish belly-rub. Jason seems to relax as Charlie lays the first hand on his belly and just holds it there a while, getting the rhythm of Jason's breathing. It makes Jason smile involuntarily as Charlie starts to move his hand, but he doesn't tense up or laugh, and after a few moments closes his eyes. The only change is that, like last time, his knees rise a bit and he turns them out, his thighs slightly apart. Charlie finds that the old rhyme comes to mind, "round and round the garden, like a teddy bear". He dismisses the thought, a bit irritably.

Then it's the standard routine: massaging Jason's chest through his t-shirt, then the back of his neck, his scalp, his face, his arms, his hands. It's all so gentle but perfectly attuned to Jason. Charlie already learned that anything slightly rough gets a flinch from Jason.

Conscious that Jason doesn't want to sleep, Charlie decides to say something at the halfway point: 'How's the pressure?' he asks, half-expecting Jason to say that he could put a bit more on.

'It's great. It's perfect.' Jason doesn't open his eyes. And yet Charlie, expert reader of the relaxed expression, still seems to see a slight frown there that wasn't there last time. Jason's neck has coloured up again. It's a definite blush. This doesn't bother Charlie too much. Embarrassment or strong emotion aren't rare, although he hopes it's not embarrassment. Jason's seemed very relaxed lately. This seems a return to selfconsciousness.

'Good,' says Charlie. 'It's important you get what you need from this, OK, are you ready to turn over so I can do your back?'

Jason turns over on to his side and Charlie deftly slips the pillow under his right arm, then starts working on the back of his head. Nothing more is said, and Charlie finds himself totally focused on the task of trying to get Jason completely relaxed. Today he seems to be getting there quicker than last time, which is a relief. But the important thing is to keep him there. Charie focuses on keeping his massage strokes regular, predictable, even, repetitive, regular.

Time seems to suspend, still as the late Summer air. The double glazing shuts out the traffic noise, the music plays and Charlie himself, unusually, begins to lose track of the passing time as he carries on stroking Jason's back. Today, like last time, he feels in the zone in a way he hasn't with any patient for at least a couple of years. Phil, his partner, would call it an alignment of energies. So would Charlie if he didn't feel self-conscious saying things like that.

And before too long Jason's breathing lengthens again, his eyelids flicker slightly and he's fast asleep.

Charlie squeezes his shoulder and says 'Jason,' and Jason immediately stirs, opens his eyes.

'How long was I asleep?' he asks.

'Just about five seconds, that's all. Shall I carry on?' Charlie keeps his voice almost at a whisper.

'Yes, yes, please.'

Charlie's a bit surprised, but pleased. Jason's in that blissful sleepy phase where it's easy to slip back under. To keep him conscious, maybe it's better to stay away from his back for a while. Charlie returns to Jason's face, massaging the upturned side, and gently tweaking his right ear especially, then going to his cheek, which he strokes several times with his thumb, while keeping a curious eye on Jason's right thumb.

Charlie doesn't admit to himself that he would sort of like it if Jason fell asleep again. In fact he stamps on the thought as soon as it passes by. The client had said he didn't want to be left asleep. But the client needs to be relaxed. It's a judgement call.

It's too late anyway. Having his face stroked hasn't kept Jason awake. He's under again and deeper too. There are more hypnic jerks from his leg, then one from his arm, which pushes it toward his open mouth.

Charlie squeezes Jason's shoulder to try and wake him, but it has no effect, and within a couple more seconds, the thumb is in, and Jason is sucking it again. That ghost of a frown has disappeared, and his face is a picture of relaxation, perhaps even bliss. Charlie has to fight the urge to just let him be.

OK. I'll try turning off the music first, Charlie thinks, then if that doesn't work, I'll start talking to him.

Charlie fades down the music but Jason stays asleep, still sucking his thumb.

'Jason,' Charlie says, and Jason seems to stir a little. 'Jason,' he repeats.

'Mmhmm,' Jason says, muffled by his thumb, but doesn't open his eyes.

'We're almost at the end of our time,' Charlie says.

'Mmhm,' says Jason, thumb still in his mouth.

'I'm afraid it's time to wake up.'

'Mnhmnh.'

Jason's eyes are still closed, and it's not clear if he's processing what Charlie is saying. Charlie carries on with the back stroking for a few moments, considering the situation. Jason is either asleep or possibly in some sort of highly relaxed, hypnotic state. This would normally be fine in this room, but he never consented to get into one, and that in itself is surprising.

'Mnnh.' Jason's eyebrows go down. He seems unhappy again. Another blush is happening too. Could it be he's semi-conscious and a bit aware of his situation but unable to break out of it?

Charlie uses his best gentle voice, the one he uses when doing hypnotherapy. 'Where are you, Jason? Can you tell me where you are?'

Jason is shifting around, eyes still closed, then he withdraws his thumb from his mouth and, without seeming to awaken says, 'I'm here.'

'Where's here?'

'In bed.'

'That's good. You're safe here. Do you want to open your eyes?'

'No.'

'Are you afraid?'

Jason seems to think about it before saying, 'Yes.'

'What are you afraid of?'

'Mmnhm.' Jason's thumb returns to his mouth.

'OK, well you don't need to be afraid, Jason, you're safe. Nobody's going to hurt you. You can come back. Would you like to come back?'

Jason nods, thumb stuck in mouth.

OK, thinks Charlie, I know how to get him out.

'We can bring you back. In a few seconds I'm going to start counting back from ten...' Charlie starts on the standard routine, the one that brings his hypnotherapy patients back from the sonambulistic state, telling Jason (ten) he feels good, has no fear, that he (nine) feels his limbs feeling lighter, that he (eight) feels his muscles nice and relaxed, that (seven) in a moment he'll be ready to open his eyes, but first (six), he feels able to take his thumb out of his mouth, and (five) feel himself being lifted back towards the light.

And then Charlie breaks off, for three reasons.

Firstly, Jason's thumb didn't shift from his mouth when Charlie suggested it.

Secondly, a deep red blush has appeared again, travelling up Jason's neck from under his t-shirt and over his face.

Thirdly, a second later there's an unexpected sound that fills Charlie with alarm as soon as he detects it. It's a very gentle, almost inaudible hissing that Charlie recognises from his past, that he had assumed he wouldn't hear again. It's clear where it's coming from too.

Fighting a rising panic, he counts (four) and tells Jason he is feeling very light, and his eyelids are starting to feel lighter, but while saying it is watching the front of Jason's jeans, where a tiny, dark shiny spot has just appeared at the top of Jason's leg and is now elongating and turning into a little rivulet, running down to Jason's hip, where it meets the massage table and starts soaking and spreading into his jeans and the white towel Jason is lying on. If it carries on, it will turn into a puddle, and might run off the massage table.

Charlie doesn't know what he's dealing with. 'Are - are you OK, Jason? Can you still hear me?'

Then he shakes Jason by the shoulder.

Jason wakes with a horrible start and shouts out, extracting his thumb and putting both his hands to his crotch. The hissing, wet sound stops straightaway.

'Are you OK, Jason?' repeats Charlie, recovering his composure and his standard professional voice.

Jason gives a low groan and covers his face with his hands.

'It's OK, it's OK. I'm really sorry. You just drifted off again.' Charlie gabbles. 'Do you need to go to the bathroom?'

Jason has sat up on the edge of the massage table, facing away from Charlie, his hands at his crotch, apparently holding back the tide, but apparently finding it hard to.

'Oh my god,' he says in a shocked, tiny voice.

'It's OK, Jason, it's not a problem,' Charlie says, borrowing the voice he used at primary school. 'But do you need to go to the toilet?'

Jason still sits there instead of bolting for the toilet, just holding on to himself, clearly desperate to finish, but not attempting to get up.

'How can I help, Jason?' Charlie comes around to the other side of the table so he can talk to Jason face to face.

'You can't,' is all Jason can say.

'Do you feel faint?'

'No.'

'Do you think you can walk?'

'Probably.'

'Right, shall we get you to the toilet, then? You can take my arm if you need to.'

'No, no.' Jason's voice is louder, higher, distressed and one fist is pressed to his temple, while the other is clamped to the front of his jeans. 'No!'

'You can't take my arm? Or..' Charlie is at a loss. What does Jason mean by no?

'Oh god,' Jason says and it's a whimper. He's tearing up, and they both look down at his jeans. It's started again. A trail of pee has started down one of his legs, and another little wave of wetness is appearing around his hand. Shuddering to control himself, he jumps off the massage table and takes Charlie's arm.

'OK, good, I've got you.' Charlie supports Jason for a few steps into the middle of the room, and they manage to limp together to the door of the bathroom, and get inside. Charlie lifts the seat for Jason and is about to beat a retreat closing the door behind him.

'I'm sorry,' says Jason.

'It's OK, it's really not a problem.' says Charlie. 'I'll leave you alone a minute, but I'm just outside. Give me a shout when you finish using the toilet.'

'No,' says Jason again, still standing helplessly in front of the toilet, looking at it. 'No, that's the problem.'

'What?'

'I can't use the toilet. I can't,' says Jason, then repeats it as he completely wets himself, all the way down to his shoes.


	3. Feet

'So, when did this problem start?' asks Charlie.

'It was public toilets to begin with. About a year ago,' says Jason. 'And first it was just a problem with... sitting down in a cubicle.'

'I see.'

'But then I didn't really want to stand up there either.'

'Can you point to a particular cause, or incident?'

'No, it just started happening one day. Panicky feelings whenever I needed a toilet, when there was only a public one available.'

'And you stopped using them?'

'Unless I really had to. At first. Then, yeah, I stopped using them.'

Jason is sitting in the consultation room, in one of the comfortable chairs, drumming a nervous finger repeatedly on the end of the chair's arm and often breaking eye contact with Charlie.

'Are there some toilets other than your own you can still use?' Charlie asks.

'I was OK at work for a long time,' says Jason.

'I see.'

'But that's got more of a problem lately. I have to make sure there's nobody else around. And even then it takes a long time to be able to try.'

'But you're able to go, once you get over that?'

'About fifty percent of the time. Other times by the time I've managed to get the seat up or to sit down I'm too nervous to actually do anything.'

'I see.'

'Well, it's good that you're able to talk to me about it. Thank you for coming back to see me, and of course I just wanted to say sorry again for letting you fall asleep.'

'It's OK. You couldn't have known that was going to happen.'

Charlie's relieved to hear this. He'd been worried Jason might consider Charlie to blame for the whole thing.

'I've been seeing a counsellor too, about it' Jason says. 'I just had no idea I might have an accident here.'

'But you say that you think what happened last week was connected with your bedwetting?'

'Yeah, that started about a month ago.'

'So it's like being asleep is one of the times you can relax and let go.'

'Totally. I just didn't realise it would happen here. I'm really sorry about that.'

'There's no need to apologise.'

'You're not going to tell me it happens all the time to your massage patients.'

'No, but there's still no need to apologise. I do hypnotherapy and I know that what people do when they're under, or when they're asleep, isn't under their conscious control. Lots of things can come through in those states.'

Charlie is pleased that Jason isn't too emotional about the whole thing, although he talks throatily, warily about it, and Charlie senses emotion coming and going in him. At first, he'd feared that Jason might not return at all, even though he'd been careful to tell him not to worry about the incident, and that it wouldn't cause a problem.

At first Jason had emailed a long apology, offering to pay for cleaning, and saying he expected that Charlie wouldn't treat him again. Charlie had written back to say that there was no need to pay, and that he was sure they could find a way to continue with the massages, and there probably were things they could do - measures they could put in place - to ensure that a recurrence of the problem could be avoided, and he was happy to talk to Jason about them.

'It's good that you have some help and someone to talk to,' he says to Jason. 'What you're describing sounds very much like a phobia. Has the person you spoke to mentioned the concept of functional incontinence?'

'I think so,' says Jason.

'Functional incontinence is when a person doesn't have a physical problem with their bladder. They don't void uncontrollably, but it might be that something else prevents them from using a toilet, which results in the incontinence. Sometimes it can be that someone with a mobility problem can't get to the toilet quickly enough. It seems to me that what you've described is a different sort of functional incontinence. Your phobia prevents you from using a toilet, so if you can't find a way around that, like being at home, you get to the stage where you might have an accident, or it happens when you fall asleep.'

'Functional incontinence,' says Jason, like he's trying the words out for size.

'I suppose the question is,' continues Charlie, 'what sort of ways can you imagine using to manage that incontinence problem?'

'You mean whether I go back into nappies or not.'

'Or get help to resolve the phobia so you can use public toilets again without feeling distressed.'

'Well, that might take a long time.'

'Perhaps. Perhaps not too long. And perhaps there are different ways of managing the situation in the meantime.'

'Nappies.'

'Some sort of incontinence pad could be an option, if bladder control is an issue while you're out. Not the only option.'

'So I might have to wear nappies to come here? And to work?'

Charlie blinks. That's the third time Jason has introduced the idea and used that word, even though Charlie had just pointed out there was an alternative.

'How do you feel about the concept of using - ' he opts to use Jason's choice of word, ' - nappies?'

'How do you think I feel?'

'It's hard for me to know.'

'I haven't worn nappies since I was a toddler. It would be weird in the extreme. People might find out. I'd have to change somewhere, and get rid of the wet one. I -'

Jason seems to be leaping several stages forward with this and Charlie isn't sure why. Perhaps embracing the most extreme solution is his way of feeling somehow in control.

'I'm not suggesting that you would have to do that. Whatever you choose, or whatever we did about massage would be proportionate to the problem you experience. I wasn't clear whether you've had an accident before when you were out?'

'Twice, on the bus home.'

'Because you weren't able to use a toilet beforehand?'

'Yeah. I always have a spare pair of pants and jeans now. Well, since last week.'

'Well, then, it seems that going straight to using nappies would be quite a dramatic response when there've only been two occasions - '

'But it's getting worse. Like yesterday, I just avoided using the toilet at work the whole shift. I just made it home last night. Just. It's not just a problem for peeing, either.'

'Do you - have an anxiety that you might also defecate in your clothes?'

'Well, it almost happened last night.'

'I see.'

'I could just stay at home all the time.'

'I'm guessing that might cause an issue with working and earnning?'

'Completely. Is functional incontinence a disability?'

'I don't know.' Charlie pauses, and tries a different tack. 'I assume you have no problems retaining faeces when you're in bed.'

'No, that's fine.'

'It's just urine.'

'Yeah.'

'And has that happened much?'

'About twice, three times a week.'

'Since you were young?'

'No, just the last year. When I started it was like, once a month. The last two, three months, it's been about three nights a week.'

'And how do you manage that?'

'I've got plastic sheets. I sometimes use those bedwetter pants things, the ones for teenagers, but they can't hold enough. So I always leak.'

'Do you always wake up once you start voiding?'

'About half the time. Used to more. Otherwise I just wake up wet.'

This explains to Charlie why Jason seemed less perturbed about the concept of nappies than he'd expected. 'Well, from what you've described, I think we have two issues as far as massage goes.'

Jason listens attentively, awaiting Charlie's professional assessment. Charlie is conscious that he's about to be judged on his wisdom.

'Firstly, it's good you're seeing a counsellor about your phobia. I think with them you can hopefully work on that issue, and it's best if you work completely with them on it.'

Jason's expression seems disappointed momentarily, and Charlie wonders if he thinks he's about to tell him not to come back. He must be afraid of that.

'As regards massage, it's not something that I think can be a very effective treatment for the phobia issue.'

'Oh,' Jason is undisguisedly disappointed.

'Well, it's not something we can really use to get to the root of the phobia, or explore the background. If the issue were physical, it might be more of an effective treatment.'

'So I should just see my other counsellor? Or maybe I should just Skype with them as I won't be able to leave the house, I guess.' Charlie almost detects a stuck-out bottom lip in Jason. His tone is adult, but there's a distinct aura of a sulk about it. Charlie doesn't want to leave Jason unreassured any longer.

'However,' he says, watching the instant that hope returns to Jason's eye. It's the change of expression from downcast to hopeful that he has always loved.

'There's no reason you shouldn't enjoy massage while that goes on, unless perhaps your other therapist thinks it might interfere with resolving your phobia, I suppose. So that's the first thing.'

'The second thing,' Charlie continues, 'is whether we need to take any precautions about possible future issues when you're receiving massage.'

'I don't mind. Whatever I need to do,' Jason says. 'If you need me to bring nappies along...'

'Well, I wasn't going to suggest that for now, actually,' says Charlie, noting that it's the fourth time Jason has proposed that solution. 'What I was going to suggest was two things. One was if we need to give you some sort of opportunity to empty your bladder before the treatment begins, even if you can't use the toilet. The other thing was that we could also work on not having you fall asleep.'

'But I won't be able to pee anywhere here. I just won't.' Jason seems downcast again. 'I can't go down alleyways; I can't go in the shower; I can just about sit on the toilet, but not with my trousers down. I could sit on on the toilet, I guess, and go in my pants then have a change of clothes, or something. I just don't know. I was thinking about doing that at work, so I didn't have to hide the nappies or whatever.'

'OK, let's set that aside a moment. How about having a way to not fall asleep?'

'You could talk to me.'

'I could. Or we could skip appointments if you've not slept the night before.'

'But that's when I want them most!' Jason suddenly bursts out, and then he's in tears, the way he was last week. Charlie hands over some tissues and lets him cry it out a bit, then Jason says, 'I'm sorry, I knew I'd do that.'

'It's a difficult problem. It's OK to be upset. Why don't you tell me more about where you feel comfortable or not comfortable urinating? Maybe that could help.'

'I'm pretty much fine at home, unless it's a number two and my flatmates are in. That's OK. So I always go before I come out.'

'OK, so that's one safe space.'

'But you couldn't come to mine to do massage, could you?' Jason phrases it as a negative, Charlie thinks, so that it's less disappointing if that option is ruled out.

'I'm afraid I don't drive and I'd need to bring a table.'

'And it wouldn't work with my flatmates. It's too noisy anyway. And it's an hour away by bus.'

'And there are other places where you feel able to go to the toilet. Can you access your workplace out of hours?'

'No. No, I wouldn't be able to go there. It would be in the day shift and it's too busy. I can't use it when the place is busy. Someone might come in.'

'I see, and are all public toilets impossible? How about accessible toilets, because those don't have cubicles, they're all self-contained.'

Jason shakes his head. 'No. No, because it's like your one here. It's a strange place and I never know whether the lock's working so someone might come in.'

'So if you were somewhere where you knew you couldn't be disturbed? Somewhere that was locked up?'

'See, this is why I'd rather have a toilet in my room. That's really the place I feel safe in, and I know the lock works. It's really the only place. In fact I've started to...'

'You've started to what?'

'Well, I've got a pot actually,' Jason seems more embarrassed and defensive saying this than he did when using the word 'nappies'.

'A pot?'

'Well, I just started trying it out. You know, a pot, that I can sit on. In my room.'

'I see,' says Charlie, quietly and professionally shelving an incongrous image of Jason sitting on a potty, with a bare behind. 'Do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'OK.'

'Well, at the end of the sessions you've visited the bathroom. Have you not been using the toilet when you do that?'

'I have a drink and wash my hands,' Jason begins, but there's a lift at the end of the statement. 'I've tried to just use the toilet. Sometimes I really need to, but, I just can't.' Tears appear in the corners of his eyes again. 'I can't. I'm just frightened of getting stuck, or all kinds of things.'

He has to stop a moment to try and get the next part out. 'It's like all the irrational fears that kids have about toilets, like it might suddenly put straps around me, or I might fall in or get sucked in or stuck. Or a piranha or a rat might jump up from inside the bowl, or I might get a terrible bacterium off it and be sick. Becaue I don't know who's been on it. All that stuff.'

Charlie sees a possibility, moments before Jason does.

'And you don't have these fears so much when its your own pot?'

'Er, no. When it's the potty, it's safer. Pot, I mean.'

Then Jason catches on to Charlie's suggestion. He's an intellient young man.

'I could bring the potty - the pot here. And use it in your bathroom.'

'Then you could be relaxed before we start.'

Jason is beaming, actually beaming. Charlie is pleased that he got Jason to verbalise the solution himself.

'OK. It's a plan.'

'And today,' Charlie says, 'I'll talk to you during the massage, so you won't go to sleep.'

 

* * *

 

The massage session goes fine. Charlie had hoped to find a different topic than Jason's phobia to talk about, but it's hard for them both not to talk about it. Jason's tension is considerably lessened, and Charlie thinks it's because he's had a chance to clear the air. Parts of Jason that had been ticklish and tensed up at the slightest touch are more pliable today, and Charlie's able to put on just a bit more pressure in certain areas.

Toward the end of the routine, a bit shorter today, Charlie is doing the back strokes, with Jason lying, eyes open, on his side. Charlie notes that Jason has extended the thumb of his right hand and made a fist with the rest. He's not showing any sign of sucking it, but he keeps it held that way through the whole backrub. He doesn't seem to look directly at it.

'When I use the potty next time,' Jason is saying, his voice an odd mixture of relief and inhibition, 'the only problem I can think of is that I will still be able to see the toilet.'

'OK,' Charlie thinks, somehow also enjoying the challenge of solving this weird problem. 'Well, you see that screen over there. Normally I use it for patients to undress behind, but maybe we could hide the toilet with that.'

'Yeah, OK. Or I could... no.'

'What?'

'I could just use it out here, maybe.'

Charlie is a bit dubious about this, not least because of the possibility of a spillage, and thinks about it.

'No, never mind,' says Jason, nervously reading disapproval into Charlie's silence. 'That wouldn't be hygienic, I guess. I'll try it in the bathroom.'

'Can I just ask,' says Charlie, feeling strange asking, 'how big your potty is?'

'It's a large size. I got it off a website.'

'I see. Would you like me to massage your feet? That can be very energising.'

Jason thinks about it. 'Yeah, all right.'

'OK.'

'How did you learn massage?' Jason asks, seemingly happy to move on to other subjects now that the question of the potty - they're both calling it a potty now - is resolved.

'I did a couple of courses. But you don't really learn it until you practise it a lot,' says Charlie.

'Weren't you very good to begin with?'

'I was OK, but it takes a while to get confident.'

'My teacher used to say fake it till you make it,' says Jason.

'I used to say that when I was a teacher, too,' says Charlie.

'You were a teacher?'

'Yes, but I stopped. I felt like I was still faking it after a few years.'

'I'm hoping to get something in academic history,' says Jason, 'but there's an ever-present risk of becoming a teacher.'

He speaks in a very grownup way, Charlie thinks.

'How's the pressure?'

'It's OK. I'll be pretty desperate by the time I get home, though.'

'Sorry, I meant the pressure of the massage.'

'Oh, sorry.' Jason colours up again. 'I like it. I really like foot massage. I'm not sure why I didn't have it before.'

'It seems like talking about this problem has helped you be a bit less tense.'

'Yeah, yeah it has,' says Jason. 'Even if I have to face the prospect of... well, maybe wearing nappies to work or something.'

That's the fifth time, Charlie thinks.

The footrub ends just as the time runs out for massage.

'OK, do you want to get down from the table, now?' Charlie says, as he takes the pillow from underneath Jason's right arm, still with its extended thumb and fist.

Then before he realises what he's doing, he absent mindedly picks Jason up by his armpits to ease him off the bench and on to his feet.

'Oh, sorry,' says Charlie, flustered. 'Force of habit.'

'It's OK,' says Jason, and smiles, before grabbing his stuff, paying, and disappearing out of the door for another week.

Charlie watches him from the window as he runs for a bus that's just arriving. Jason looks back up at the window, where he can't possibly see Charlie, and waves.


	4. Ears

Charlie, waiting for Jason to arrive for his next appointment, is running over an old memory. It's one that has appeared, as he'd expected, in his dreams the last few nights.

One morning, when Charlie was about nine years old, a new boy called Lucasz had been introduced into his class. Charlie had taken an instant liking to the kid. The new boy had dark hair, broken English and crutches, because he couldn't walk that well. Knowing Charlie as quiet and unboisterous, the teacher had put Lucasz with Charlie as his buddy, and Charlie, who didn't have many friends, had been pleased. There was even a bit of envy of Charlie among his classmates for being gifted the exotic, unusual new kid.

Charlie up to that point devoted his playtimes to reading books, if he could, and avoiding conflicts. He mildly accepted school as a necessary part of life, but had always felt he'd have been happier if he'd stayed home with mum, like he had before school came along. He did most of the things he needed to get through the days, but whenever he could, instead of talking to other kids or playing games in the playground, he spent time daydreaming himself into fairytales or playing games by himself.

Lucasz brought Charlie out of himself for the first few weeks. Charlie, to his surprise, seemed able to make Lucasz laugh with really basic stupid jokes, and that pleased Charlie. With Lucasz's poor English and difficulty walking, it was like having a little brother. A playmate who needed his help. Charlie felt drawn to the other child's vulnerability. When Lucasz accepted a sleepover invitiation, Charlie became aware that Lucasz was a bedwetter, and felt proud of himself that he didn't mention it to any other kid at school.

Being with Lucasz let Charlie enjoy that kind of vulnerability without anyone - especially the teachers or the bullies - detecting it in himself. Being Lucasz's mentor gave Charlie a role in life and, for the first time, someone who looked up to him.

Then one day both boys were playing together at lunchtime in a quiet corner of the playground. Charlie had been aware that Lucasz needed the toilet because Lucasz was never good at concealing the fact the way the rest of the class was by now. And that really fascinated Charlie, although he didn't know why. Charlie had been distracting Lucasz by being silly. In fact he was doing a funny cartoon baby voice that he wouldn't have dared do in front of anyone else. Lucasz found it hysterical. Then, too late, while they were laughing at one of Charlie's lines, that look of alarm came on Lucasz's face and Charlie had - with a thrill of recognition - instantly known what it meant. The kid had just started across the playground on his crutches but he was obviously late. Charlie cantered alongside.

And then, still several yards from the toilet door, Lucasz had fallen and struggled to get up. Charlie had held out an arm to help him up, but it was too late and Lucasz's trousers - an unfortunately-chosen light shade - were already getting wet. Other kids who had run up to help saw what Lucasz was doing and backed off instead, laughing unthinkingly at the poor kid. Lucasz was a mess, his face contorted in frustration and humiliation. He'd grabbed at Charlie's arm, crying for help to get up and back on his crutches.

But then, alarmed by the reaction of the other kids, Charlie had let go of Lucasz, stepped away and let him fall back on to the playground, like he was contaminated. He'd even half joined in the laughing, so he wouldn't stand out or get picked on for being Lucasz's friend.

A teacher had taken care of the rest. Charlie and Lucasz had continued to sit at adjoining desks. Lucasz readily forgave Charlie. Charlie didn't forgive himself. It seemed to Charlie that he'd made it happen, made Lucasz laugh by acting immaturely. And that had led Lucasz to be humiliated. And Charlie hadn't even stuck up for him, or tried to make it better.

While Charlie's still thinking about the memory, Jason arrives for his next appointment, as promised, with a potty - bigger than the average but too small for him - in a big rucksack. Charlie has already surrounded the toilet with a screen, and Jason slips in to go and try.

But before long he comes out again.

'I'm sorry, I can't seem to... I'm too anxious.'

'It's OK.'

'I keep being really conscious of the toilet there.'

'Yes, I see.'

Charlie waits a moment to see what Jason suggests, and when Jason says nothing and just looks awkward, he says, 'Well, if you want to take longer, that won't be a problem. We can finish a little later. Would that fit with your schedule?'

'I don't have anywhere to be for the rest of the day,' Jason says. Then he shakes his head. 'But I'm not sure it's going to happen in there.'

'Or we could postpone. I assume you would rather - ' Charlie searches for a euphemism - 'get this thing sorted before we start the massage.'

Jason nods. 'Yeah, it would definitely be a good idea. I've been out all morning. And I was up late last night. I'm pretty tired, so I could well fall asleep. But I don't just want to bail on you.'

Jason stops again, and Charlie detects he is clearly waiting for another helpful suggestion from his therapist. After a bit more silence, Charlie suggests, 'Would it help to talk about it a bit more?'

'Maybe,' Jason says.

They talk for a good twenty minutes in the end, more about Jason's fear, more about how it is worsening. Jason wet the bed that morning, and two nights previously too. He is generally avoiding using the toilet at home, preferring the potty if he has to pee. But the potty is shallow. A couple of times late at night it has got full, and he's afraid that his housemates might see him carrying it upstairs, so he's just tried to avoid going again, hence the wet beds.

'I have a mattress protector now, anyway,' Jason says, 'but it's a lot of washing.'

'Do you worry your housemates might see the wet sheets?'

'Somehow that seems less bad than the potty. You can always tell them you had a heavy night and laugh it off.'

'I guess this is something you're discussing with your counsellor.'

Jason meets Charlie's eye, having stared at the floor for the last few minutes. 'Trying to. It's kind of hard to explain in a way that makes sense to everyone.' Jason's tone is outwardly calm but there is a slight tremble in his voice. 'Fuck, this is annoying. I'm really sorry. Maybe I should try again.' Jason makes as if to move toward the bathroom door, but freezes with his hand on the handle. 'No, fuck, I can't'

'It's OK,' says Charlie. 'Do you want to sit down again?'

'I really need to go, as well.'

'Can you hold it?' Charlie hears himself say, as if to a little kid, and with the same underlying worry.

'It's not terrible.'

'But if we ignored it and you fell asleep?'

'I think it would happen then.'

'OK.'

Charlie is aware that he isn't Jason's counsellor, and it isn't his place to offer that, but things are clearly getting urgent.

'Just so I understand the fear a bit more,' he said, 'let's say, hypothetically, just hypothetically if I were to suggest that you stood in the doorway of the bathroom and opened the door and just looked at the toilet from there. What might you feel if you did that?'

'Sick. Afraid. I'd be afraid I might - ' Jason had had a catch in his throat - 'that I might wet myself again. From being afraid. It was like that last time.'

'From fear?'

'Not at first, that was because I was asleep. But when I went in there and was just standing in front of it and I knew I couldn't just reach out and lift the seat... then it was fear.'

'And you don't experience this with the potty?'

Jason had smiled, but with his eyebrows knitted. 'That sounds so weird to say it like that. Like I'm a toddler having trouble toilet training.'

'We could use another word instead of potty.'

'No, fuck it, call it a potty. It is one. I'm twenty-three and I use a potty.' Jason flicks his smile on and off, but there's also a ghost of a sneer of self-contempt, but his expression, as always, is not easy to read.

'And you don't experience that same fear with the... with the potty?'

'A bit. But not as much. It's like - ' Jason thinks. 'I mean, there isn't a hole at the bottom. Things can't get lost.'

'Last time you talked about if you used it in a different room.'

'Yeah.' Jason looks up again at Charlie. 'But you said... I mean in here it might not be hygienic.'

'Well...' Charlie pauses for a moment, watching Jason's reaction. 'Well, let's just imagine hypothetically if you were to put the potty in this room behind a screen and I were to leave for a little while. Might that work?'

Jason pauses for a long time too. 'I dunno. It might.'

'Would you like to try that?'

'I don't want to spill anything.'

'Is that likely?'

'I guess not.'

'OK. Perhaps we should give it a try. As a last resort to avoid running out of time today. Do you want to fetch the potty in here from the bathroom.'

Jason catches his breath again.

'Um... Yeah, OK, but...' He gets up and goes back to the bathroom door, but recoils slightly from the handle when he touches it, like he got a static shock. He tries again. 'Um. This could take a minute.'

'It's OK.'

But it isn't OK. Jason, having already been in the bathroom once, now seems unable to even cross its threshold. Charlie sees his face reddening as he tries to get over the fear, but after five or so attempts, a couple of times stepping away and pep-talking himself under his breath - 'Come on, Jase. Come on.' He steps back and sighs a deep breath.

'Not happening, I don't think.'

'Would you like me to get it for you?'

'OK. Yes please.' And then, quite without any prior signal, Jason starts to cry, sobs of frustration that he fights against but can't completely control. Something has cracked again inside him.

'Take a seat,' says Charlie, grabbing a tissue for Jason, and goes and fetches the potty from the bathroom, and puts in the middle of the floor, by the massage table. Then he grabs the screen to go around it. Then he sits down for a while waiting for Jason's tears to subside.

'Sorry.' Jason blows his nose, starting to recover. 'Thought I might do that.'

'That's OK.' Charlie uses the stock counselling phrase that sometimes he's sick of hearing himself say, but doesn't seem to mind saying today. Poor guy, he thinks. 'Right, Jason,' he says, adopting a brisk tone that's designed to give Jason a cue to collect himself. 'Do you want to try this?'

Jason nods.

'If I go into the bathroom,' Charlie says, 'do you think you could come and knock when you're ready for me to come back out?'

'OK.'

'You can come and knock any time. Whether you manage it or not.' Charlie goes over to the desk and picks something up. 'I can put my ipod on so I won't be able to hear anything apart from the knock.'

It's only when he gets into the bathroom and locks the door that Charlie realises his ipod battery is completely flat. So he sits in the bathroom on the lid of the toilet, quietly thinking and sometimes hearing little noises from the therapy room.

He does his best to ignore them. Obviously it would be unethical to listen closely.

All the same, there are no other noises and he can't help perceiving the tread of shoes as Jason goes over to the potty, then nothing for a while.

Then Jason takes in a deep breath, followed by the subtle clink of of a belt buckle being undone and the noise of his jeans being taken down and what sounds like the scrape of the potty being adjusted, and presumably then sat on.

Then a long pause, broken by an occasional effortful release of breath from Jason, and then, a couple of times, under the breath muttering: 'Come on, Jase. You can do it. Come on, mate.' This repeats a few times. Charlie sits patiently, but despite himself becomes tense, willing Jason on, wanting him to succeed. Not just so they can get on with the treatment, but for Jason's sake, not wanting him to be beaten by this weird fear.

And there's something else behind it too. Charlie realises he's straining to hear, listening out for the pitter-patter sound of liquid on plastic, and anticipating being pleased by the sound. And he's dimly aware that that's not just because it would represent a success for Jason, but because something about that sound, and that sound in particular, does something for him. Be it spiritually, emotionally, whatever - he knows he wants to hear it, and cares about hearing it beyond simple professional interest.

Charlie feels a pang of guilt, but can't do anything else but listen.

Then, after a long silence, there's another sigh of breath from Jason, then nothing, then another sigh. Then the noise.

It's an almost imperceptible drumming. A light patter of a stream hitting the edge of the potty, then a faint gurgle as the potty starts to fill.

Charlie realises he has silently got to his feet and moved nearer the door to hear.

Then the sound eases off. There's a silence, followed by two final splashes. The last squeezes of the bladder.

Then the clunk of a belt buckle on the floor and a slight effort sound from Jason as he, Charlie imagines, gets back on to his feet, pulls up his pants, pulls up his jeans, does his belt up.

Should I have done that? Charlie is thinking. Was that ethical? Should I have encouraged him more to come and do it in the bathroom? But what difference does it make? We were still in separate rooms. But maybe I wouldn't have heard anything. I'd better make sure I ask him when I come back out.

He puts his ipod earphones in and sits back on the toilet lid, just in time for Jason to knock on the door. Charlie waits for a second knock, as if his music had been a bit too loud to hear the first time, then stands, puts the toilet lid up, then goes to open the door, taking his ipod earphones out as he does so.

Jason is smiling. Charlie would describe it as an irrepressible smile. He's clearly trying not to look too pleased, but he can't conceal it.

Charlie smiles back. 'OK?'

'I did it.' Jason gives an involuntary grin, then forces it off again.

'Good.' Charlie gives a supportive smile.

'Thanks. Thanks for waiting. That was a bit easier than I expected.'

'I'm really glad you felt able. Feel more relaxed now?'

'A lot.'

Then something awkward occurs to Charlie.

'Um,' he says, glancing over at the screen. 'So, I guess... are you OK to go and empty the potty?'

Jason blushes. 'Oh, yeah. Of course. Absolutely. I'll just - ' he disappears behind the screen and picks the potty up.

Charlie discreetly steps back, averting his eyes, but as Charlie goes past toward the bathroom can't help flicking a split-second glance at him. The potty is pretty full, but no sign of any spillage, thank the goddess.

Jason stops at the bathroom door and for a horrible moment Charlie wonders if he's going to be unable to go in and that they might be stuck in a room with a brimming pot of Jason's pee. But Jason takes a deep breath, under which Charlie thinks he can hear the counting of numbers, then goes in. The flush comes shortly afterward and Jason skids back in to the room, potty still in hand, like he had had to run away from the toilet as fast as possible after flushing it. He's a bit short of breath and flushed again. He puts the potty down by the door.

'Brilliant,' Charlie says. 'You could wash your hands over here if you like, rather than go back in.'

Charlie's delighted Jason got over it, that they found a way.

'I have one more question for you before we get into it,' he says. 'What would you like me to do if you fall into a hypnotic state?'

'I don't know. I don't mind.'

'Well, I think it would be good if you were to decide. If you fall asleep, I can let you sleep a while, that's OK. It's just if you fall into a hypnotic state and I talk to you, you might talk back to me.'

'Yeah, I know,' Jason doesn't seem to grasp any significance in this.

'Well, I mean, I know you're seeing your counsellor. If you do fall into that state would you like me to bring you straight out of it, or would you like us to do some work on your problem?'

'How?'

'By talking to you about it. Sometimes under hypnosis a person has memories or perhaps visions that can be helpful in understanding things like phobias. But only if you wanted that. I wouldn't be allowed to do it without your consent.'

'Do you think it would help?'

'I've seen it help a lot of people, Jason. So it might. But it's your decision. Unless your other therapist has recommended against anything like that.'

'To be honest, I haven't really told them yet.'

'Maybe you need more time, then. I could just bring you back out -'

'No. No, actually, I think it could help,' says Jason. 'You should ask me about it. I just want to stay relaxed is all.'

The massage begins, as always, with a belly-rub, followed by chest work, face work, arm work, hands and fingers. Jason normally closes his eyes but today sometimes opens them and looks up at Charlie at work. He even lets go a relaxed giggle when Charlie gently squeezes his ears, but pushes into Charlie's hand rather than flinching away from it, as he had sometimes before. Jason's got a gentle, constant smile now, which stays on his face when he turns on his side for the back massage. Charlie initially works through the routine a bit quicker, to make up for lost time, but then realises he's enjoying himself too much to want to rush it. It's his last appointment this afternoon and there's only shopping to do before he gets home to Phil.

And before too long Jason is quietly, contentedly asleep while having his back rubbed, thumb sticking out of his fist and edging, inch by inch toward his mouth again.

This time there's no urgent need to wake him. His bladder's been taken care of. Charlie just carries on with the massage, watching the thumb creep to Jason's lips and finally slip inside his mouth. Charlie glances up at the clock occasionally, noticing when they overrun by fifteen, twenty minutes, then half an hour. But it feels like there's all the time in the world. He finds his mind wandering, hoping for Jason's sake that he can get back to using the toilet but also wondering what might happen if his phobia worsens.

Last time Jason had talked a few times about having to wear nappies. If the bedwetting kept up he might at least need to consider them as a temporary thing. Charlie knows a few online medical suppliers that do them. Maybe he'll let Jason know about them when Jason's awake. It might reassure him a bit.

Charlie wonders where else Jason would feel comfortable using his potty the way he did here. There can't be many places it would work, especially if he really needed to be outside of a room with a toilet in it. Unless he could start to get comfortable around toilets at least, that would make it possible in an accessible toilet.

Charlie has moved back to Jason's scalp, very gently massaging it, but taking care not to wake him suddenly. He looks back up at the clock and thinks about the time left. If they carried on until four thirty, there would still be time to get down to the shops before five and if he was quick he should be able to get back home for around five-thirty. Charlie tries to remember what Phil had asked him to get and runs through the list in his head; vegetables; soup; bread.

Then he looks down from the clock and Jason's eyes are open, his thumb still in his mouth.

Is he awake? Charlie isn't sure. His eyes are open but his breathing is deep.

'Jason?' Charlie breathes.

Jason doesn't immediately react. He might be under again, Charlie thinks. He seems to go under so easily.

'Jason?'

'Mnh.' Jason says without taking his thumb out of his mouth. He blinks and looks around, but doesn't seem at all conscious that he's sucking his thumb in front of Charlie. He must be under again.

'Jason, I think you're very relaxed.'

'Mnh,' repeats Jason.

'I'm going to do your face now.'

Charlie starts with Jason's forehead. It doesn't seem to wake him. He's definitely under. Charlie feels divided. If they carry on until five, he could get home by six if he was quick. It shouldn't be rushed, so they'd have to overrun.

'Do you need your thumb in your mouth, Jason?'

Jason nods.

'Is it comforting?'

Jason nods again.

'Would you like to talk about it?'

Jason nods, and gently withdraws his thumb. Charlie keeps stroking the back of his head, just so he knows he's close by.

'I'm talking to a deep part of your subconscious now, Jason,' Charlie begins. 'Can we talk?'

'Yeah.' It takes Jason a few seconds to give the answer.

'Can we talk about your problem with toilets?'

'Yeah.'

'Can you remember a time when you weren't afraid of toilets?'

'Yeah.'

'When was that?'

'Two years ago.'

'And can you remember when you first started to be afraid?'

'Not exactly.'

'Did it change one day?'

'There was a bar.'

'A bar?'

'I was drinking. There were other people there.'

'What happened?'

'There were some loud lads that kept coming in. They were always hanging round in the toilet.'

'Did it make you nervous to go in?'

'They banged on the door if you were having a shit.'

'What did you do?'

'I still went in, but there weren't any cubicles.'

'Did you wait?'

'I had to, but the boys were joshing around. They were asking me questions. Calling me ginger.'

'And what happened when you went in to a cubicle?'

'I couldn't. There were people in there. They wouldn't come out. Maybe they were doing drugs.'

'So what did you do then?'

'Left. They shouted at me. Took the piss because I was running out.'

'And did you go back in later?'

'No.'

'What did you do?'

'Got desperate. Went to another pub.'

'Did you make it?'

There's a long pause.

'Just about.'

'Was there a problem?'

'I dribbled. On my knee. My mate took the piss.'

'Because you were desperate.'

'And a bit drunk.'

'How did you feel?'

'Embarrassed. Really embarrassed.'

Charlie isn't sure what to ask next. This seems interesting, but it doesn't sound like the root cause of the problem.

'Can you remember what your mate said?'

'He said Jase's pissed himself.'

'And what happened the next time you went to the toilet?'

'I waited till I got home. We walked back there. I was desperate again. They all shouted don't wet the bed, Jason.'

'How did that make you feel?'

'Like a little kid.'

This seems like a lead that Charlie can pick up on.

'Was there a time before that when you felt embarrassed in the same way? When you were a little kid?'

There's a pause from Jason, then 'Yes.'

'How old were you then?'

'Thirteen.'

This wasn't the answer Charlie had expected. He glances at the clock. It's nearly five. They've overrun by nearly an hour.

'Can we talk about that the next time we meet, Jason?'

'I'm not sure.'

'Do you feel embarrassed?'

'Yes.'

'Then let's let that memory go. Let it slip back into the past.'

Charlie runs the ten to zero sequence that brings Jason back out and to wakefulness. Once he's back to himself he seems happy again, relaxed, and doesn't seem phased that they ran over time. He pays, jams his potty back into a plastic bag and into his rucksack, then he's gone.

Just before he goes, Charlie scribbles down a couple of website addresses for medical suppliers. Jason doesn't ask him how he knew it by heart, but takes it.

'It might be the best idea. For bed, anyway.'

'It's just an option, that's all,' Charlie says. 'Whatever helps you manage your condition.'

Once again, Jason waves up at the window from the bus stop. It makes Charlie feel warm. Then, a moment later, it makes him feel nervous and unsettled. Something's not right here. And it's not what's wrong with Jason.


	5. Stomach

Charlie is awake at 4am and he isn't happy. Things aren't right.

Phil is asleep beside him, giving off warmth like an electric heater, oblivious.

He's awoken from another dream about Lucasz and that incident on the playground, and he doesn't like what the dream makes him remember.

For a couple of years after Lucasz disappeared back to Poland, and Charlie started secondary school, aged ten and eleven, Charlie had found himself, in his dreams, returning repeatedly in his mind to that incident on the playground, remembering Lucasz wetting his pants on the playground and wearing a nappy to bed. Sometimes in the dreams, Charlie stopped it happening. Sometimes he thought he'd prevented it but Lucasz did it anyway. Always - in the dreams - he was afraid that hanging around with Lucasz might infect him somehow wtih the same problem, give him the same reputation as Lucasz had then acquired.

Sometimes, in the dreams, he wasn't ashamed of his friend.

And here is the same incident, coming back in his dreams as an adult. It has been ever since that appointment when Jason's problem had become apparent. Talking about it with Jason the last two times hadn't made it disappear. Rather the contrary. The night before last, he had even had the dream again about Lucasz, but with Jason in place of Lucasz.

But these two things obviously connect. That's not the main thing that's bothering him. Not exactly.

Charlie hasn't really discussed Jason with Phil yet. Technically Phil is his mentor when it comes to counselling. Once upon a time, when they first met, Phil helped Charlie get into alternative therapies. Charlie had discovered it all - reiki, acupuncture, energy healing, hypnotism - through the lens of loving Phil. It had been a very new world when he'd first started exploring it. It had seemed then that he would soon have access to the ability to heal anything, no matter how difficult a problem.

Of course it hadn't been quite like that, any more than becoming a teacher had enabled him to make every kid a genius. While other healers he knew claimed to be doing amazing, mindblowing work - and certainly Phil seemed to have the knack - Charlie was never quite sure that everything he was doing was as good.

Now he thinks back, most of his clients haven't been like Jason. They might have come in at first believing strongly in Charlie's modalities of healing; they might talk a lot about their soul-energy or their astral bodies or past lives, but many of them seem to treat Charlie as a recreation more than a necessity, and although Charlie explains about meridians and chakras and repressed memories and all that stuff, he's never sure people are listening or fully understanding. They drift in and out of his life as and when they have the money. He helps them along, sometimes with quite big problems, and they smile and say how much it means, but often after a few months it's obvious that not much is changing.

And then they quietly drop their current treatment and swap it for something else, as if they've become bored with the previous one. Charlie's afraid it might be because it's not going anywhere. Often it does, but he notices when it doesn't. Sometimes they disappear and Charlie might become aware if he sees them in the town that they're seeing someone else who does completely different work.

That's now happened a few times in the last couple of weeks. Charlie is down to five clients, including Jason, and needs to get some more. Phil never seems to have a shortage of clients, and pays more of the rent, plus works from a studio further into town. It sometimes worries Charlie that he isn't connecting strongly enough with clients. Maybe that's why they leave.

Jason, though, is different. Jason didn't seem to doubt Charlie at all.

And that should be great. If there's an energetic or spiritual connection between him and Jason, then that can only help the healing. There's no problem with that. Jason wants to be healed. When Charlie is with my other clients, or talking to Phil at home, he's often thinking about how to help Jason. Charlie visualises Jason often in his meditations; wondering how he's getting on.

But that's not the main thing that's bothering him, either.

One day, when Charlie was maybe twelve or so, the dreams he had about Lucasz just petered out. Charlie had got on with the rest of growing up: sports, asthma, options, discovering he fancied boys and so on and so on.

But when he was about seventeen, Charlie had become aware of the concept of adult babies, and looked it up. Only partly to his surprise, he'd found it interesting, so interesting that he'd signed up to a couple of sites and looked at pictures of the young guys who wore nappies or deliberately wet themselves to get off. He'd spent a few years with a profile, sometimes put a face pic up, had messaged a few guys sometimes, got a couple of replies. But he'd never really talked anyone he instinctively trusted enough to meet up with. And then it stopped mattering. He met Phil, took down the photos and deleted his accounts, and that had been that. It was just something he left alone.

There was, although he never dwelt on it these days, a little part of him that still lit up at the thought of changing a guy. Once or twice, too, since knowing Phil, he'd peed his own pants in the shower, just to see how it felt. But it felt silly, he didn't want to do it himself. He'd never mentioned it to Phil.

And now, he thinks, there's Jason, with this particular problem, which could almost have been designed to activate my emotions.

And my desires.

It could be fate. OK, Charlie doesn't believe in it as strongly as Phil does, but he does believe that complementary energies attract. Jason might have contacted him at random, but he hadn't stayed for eight sessions at random. Clearly Charlie offered something Jason needed.

The problem, Charlie thinks, isn't any of that either.

The problem is that it's taking me back anyway to all that stuff in my mind. Thinking about those young guys, and the problem is that I don't mind that that's happening. The problem is that Jason offers me something. He just doesn't know it. And it's best he never does.

Three nights ago, for the first time in years, Charlie had switched on private browsing and searched for "adult baby". He hadn't stayed long, just ten minutes looking at some tumblr blogs. Then he'd closed the laptop, heart thumping, nervous, with a distinct feeling of playing with fire.

And shortly afterwards, Charlie had made up his mind - decided it would be better, more professional, if he didn't do any more hypno sessions with Jason. He'd drafted an email to say so, but instead of sending it he'd left it in his drafts and hesitated and eventually, with just 24 hours to go, decided it would be better - also more professional - to tell Jason in person.

Then again, maybe he should discuss it with Phil in the morning, rather than just drop another paying client.

Except that if he did that he'd need to explain the adult baby thing to Phil first. And that, he's never done and doesn't want to either.

Charlie sits, thinking, until it gets light, then gets up. As he's in the shower, he piddles and watches it splash on his legs and feet, just for the heck of it.

Don't be weird, Charlie, he thinks. Don't. Be good. What Jason needs is someone dependable, someone who can support him to get over his problem. Someone who wants that.

He doesn't need someone who's distracted by his own hang-ups. Or memories.

Best to finish it, as soon as possible. Forget all about Jason.


	6. Legs

At the next session, Jason shows up and gets the potty out on to the floor without asking.

Charlie had meant to at least try to get Jason to try going in the bathroom again, but since the plan is that there aren't going to be more sessions after this one (or maybe one final one after this, he'd thought last night), he wonders if there's any point now and just goes with it.

'Right,' says Charlie, 'Give me a few moments with my ipod. Come and knock for me when you're ready.'

It doesn't take as long this time. Charlie's made sure his ipod is charged too. This time he determinedly puts it on so he can't hear anything. Only one song is complete before Jason knocks on the door. Charlie lifts the toilet seat and goes to the door.

Jason's there. 'I did a bit.' he says, as though awaiting praise - or, Charlie suddenly wonders, maybe sounding like that in Charlie's head.

'Well done,' says Charlie, a bit flustered, trying not to look at the potty or think about Jason on it. 'Do you think you can do any more?'

'I think I've taken the edge off.'

He steps out of Jason's way and lets the young man finish up. Jason returns without the potty in hand and goes over to the therapy room sink to wash his hands.

'OK,' Charlie says, feeling relieved, 'that didn't take too long. It looks like you're feeling a bit less anxious about going into my bathroom?'

'Yeah, today,' says Jason. 'Maybe I'm adjusting. Not sure.'

'That's great.'

'Um. Can I ask you something?' Jason is talkative today, and seems to want to steer the conversation.

'Sure.'

'Well, I was thinking it might be good if I could leave that potty here somewhere. It's just it's really big to go in my backpack and I got another one for home, so that's sorted...'

Charlie thinks a moment. 'Er, well, I'm not sure where it could go,' He instantly sees the rebuff reflected in Jason's expression. 'I'm sorry.'

And he is sorry. He didn't like saying that at all. He knows exactly where it could go and it wouldn't be difficult to keep it hidden from his other clients.

'No, it's OK. I just thought - ' Jason breaks off, and Charlie cringes inwardly, worried he's just destroyed a bit of Jason's trust in him.

'Maybe we can talk about that at the end of today,' Charlie says. 'Now, Jason, there was something I was wanting to talk about. I'm aware at the moment that you are seeing another counsellor, and - '

'Oh, I'm not any more,' Jason says, casually, playing with a small ornament on Charlie's shelf.

'You've stopped?' Charlie asks.

'The thing is,' Jason says, still looking at the shelf and not at Charlie, 'he didn't get it like you do. You understand what I'm going through. I don't think he really got it.'

'I see.'

'I really want to get to the bottom of this thing. And I just wasn't getting anywhere with him. It was just talking around it all the time.'

'Right. Well, I was thinking that - '

'I'd like you to hypnotise me again. Like you did last time.'

Charlie stops and takes a breath.

'Don't you want to?' Jason asks.

'No, no, it's not that,' Charlie says, then pauses for a few seconds. 'Was there someting you felt stopped you making progress with your other counsellor?'

'Too sciencey,' says Jason, unhesitatingly, like it's a conclusion he's come to after some thought. 'It was all about what pills I could take. I'm not a big fan of pills.'

'I see,' says Charlie. 'Well, there are definitely downsides to not looking at the whole person when you prescribe treatment.'

'And I just - it was really hard to say the words with him.'

'The words?'

'You know. Potty, nappy, wet myself. Those kinds of words.' Jason flicks his smile on and off as he says it. 'I just say them easily here. And also I couldn't use his toilet.'

'I see. Well,' Charlie pauses again, brooding, 'I guess a therapist is a very personal choice.'

'Yeah. It's not easy to find someone who understands. Do you know what I mean? I looked up the incontinence charities, but... they don't really offer what you do.'

Charlie can't do it, not now. He'd been hoping to delegate the whole phobia to Jason's other counsellor, stick to massage at most and maybe even phase that out when Jason couldn't afford it any more. But for now Jason has nobody, and is relying on him. Perhaps there could be a referral later. And he hadn't had the discussion with Phil. It was the wrong time to do that. At this stage it might feel like a move to break it up.

'So,' he relaxes into the routine. 'Why don't you sit down and tell me how things have been going.'

'Not great, to be honest.'

'What's happening?'

'Well, when I used the potty just now, that's the first time I've managed that anywhere except my room.'

'You've not used toilets at all this week?'

'No,' Jason shakes his head and looks at the floor.

'How have you been managing?'

'I wet the bed every night now.'

'Right.'

'I've started using those adult nappies in bed.'

'I see.'

'I don't really use the toilet at home any more. I just go in there to empty the potty whenever I can. Whenever there's nobody about. Late.'

'So things have deteriorated?'

'I even used the potty for - you know.'

'For...?'

'The other. Number two. A couple of times. It's not good doing that in my room, it really smells. My housemates have complained about it. I don't know if they know it's coming from my room.'

'And how about when you go out?'

'I'm kind of avoiding it now.'

'Because of possible accidents?' Charlie asks.

'No.'

Charlie waits. That doesn't seem to be the full answer. 'Why, then?'

'Because of actual accidents.'

'You've had accidents while you were out?'

'Yeah, well, kind of. Wet myself twice now.' Jason is talking matter-of-factly, flatly even, but Charlie wonders how soon it will be before he cries again. There's usually a moment when he cracks.

'I'm sorry to hear that.'

'I don't really trust myself any more.'

Charlie can't decide whether it's necessary to ask for more details of what happened, so he doesn't, but then Jason volunteers the information. 'One was on the bus. I've done it there before. I was on the back seat. It went everywhere. I just had to get off and walk down the street, completely wet. I wear black trousers for work so that one wasn't too bad. You could see if you looked.'

'And the other time?'

'Outside. On Saturday. I was on my break from work, trying to do some shopping. I'm really careful. I avoid drinks and whatever before I come out, but I just had to have some water that day. I had a really bad headache. So I was jumping by the time my break came around. I tried going to the cubicle at work, but that wasn't happening, then I just walked around all the shops but they were rammed. I thought the library would be quieter.'

'But you couldn't use that?'

'It was really busy, there was a queue. It was impossible.' Now a break has come into Jason's voice. Charlie glances down to check tissues are in easy reach.

'So what did you do?'

'Well, I had the potty in my backpack, so I looked for somewhere to use that, but there just wasn't anywhere for that either, because you have to be somewhere you can empty it. And there just wasn't anywhere that I could bear to go in. It was like everyone was watching me. Like everyone knew.'

'You felt like everyone knew that you had a problem?'

'Yeah, well, people must have seen how I was moving. But it was like people could see into my backpack, they knew I had a potty, that they all thought I was weird.'

'And how did the situation resolve?'

Now the first tear runs out of Jason's eye, down his cheek.

'In the end I just went under the canal bridge in the park and - ' now he drags in air for a sob, and has to try to control himself. ' - and I did it - in my pants - standing up.'

Jason bursts into tears. Charlie takes a tissue from the box. 'I faced into the wall. It was sort of half on purpose.'

Charlie lets Jason cry a bit, then asks 'How do you mean, half on purpose?'

'Like, because I just knew there wasn't another option so I had to just get on with it. I had to do it there, or not at all. I just hung around to let it start to dry, but you could really see it.'

'And peeing against a wall or behind a bush isn't an option for you, even though it's away from a toilet.'

'That's kind of even worse than public toilets.'

'Because it's more exposed?'

'Yeah,' says Jason. 'Doesn't feel safe.'

'I'm sorry it's been a tough week for you.'

'I'm running out of ways to deal with it. I mean, you'd think there's always an alternative, or I could just force myself into a toilet somewhere. But I just can't, and all I can do then is just stay at home, near the potty, or not drink at all, which makes me faint. When you think about it, there's just no option. I can just about make it here, but only because of the potty.'

'And with your counselling stoppping...'

'It wasn't working anyway. I went backwards. Look how bad it's got. I honestly can hardly look at a toilet any more. I'm sometimes scared to get on the potty now, even. I managed it OK today.'

'And can you think of any reason that these fears you have might have got worse?'

'Not really.'

'Nothing's changed at all?'

'Nuh uh.'

'And how's it affecting work?'

'Can't concentrate. To be honest, I think I've either got to quit or start taking in the nappies. It's just getting rid of them that would be hard.'

Charlie thinks a moment before he makes his next suggestion: 'But perhaps better than wetting your pants?'

'Yeah. What do you think?'

Charlie knows what he thinks. He thinks Jason's out of other options, but it's not for him to say so, especially with his history. 'I think you should do what's right for you. If you gave up work, would that have other effects?'

'Couldn't afford nappies for the nights.'

'I see.'

'That's the other reason I stopped with the counsellor.'

'It seems like a sort of a Catch-22,' Charlie summarises. 'You need to spend money on coping with the problem, getting the nappies, but that means you can't easily spend money on looking for a long-term solution.'

'Yeah. It is. It fucking sucks.'

'And yet, you were fine on the potty here today, and that was better than before.'

Jason does a watery smile. 'Yeah. This seems like the only place where I make progress.'

'Hm. OK, Jason, we have fifty minutes left. We could spend some time on some hypnotherapy and seeing what we can discover about the root cause.'

They try it, but Jason can't get comfortable in the hypnotherapy chair and fidgets, shows no sign of going under.

'Sorry,' he says after about five minutes. 'Could we maybe do some massage instead before the hypno? I think that's what does it for me.'

Charlie considers dissuading him, but decides to let Jason lead. He seems to have a much stronger idea of what he needs today. In fact, although things have worsened, he seems more assertive, confident even. He's still fairly softly spoken, but there aren't so much the nerves, the hesitation of yore. Jason lets Charlie help him on to the table, and Charlie begins the standard routine. This time, though, Charlie turns Jason on to his side earlier so that he can reach sleep sooner.

As he does so, Jason's t-shirt falls away from his back and Charlie sees the waistband of some special underwear, which he's sure Jason hasn't worn before. The waistband is woven. Charlie thinks they're bedwetter pants. He doesn't say anything, just pulls Jason's t-shirt back down and carries on with the massage.

Once Jason's under and the thumb is back in his mouth, Charlie knows it's safe to proceed. He verbally helps Jason get his thumb out of his mouth and then begins the questions:

'Where are you, Jason?'

'In a hotel.'

'What's happening there?'

'My friend Paul's Bar Mitzvah.'

'How old are you?'

'Thirteen.'

'Are you Jewish, Jason?' Charlie asks.

'No. I'm just his friend from school.'

'Do you know why you've come to this place?'

'It's when that thing happened. The time I got embarrassed.'

'Are you there because you want to tell me what happened?'

'I'm not sure.'

'If you want to you can. Nobody else will get to know.'

'OK.'

'Tell me about the room you're in.'

'Big room, lots of people, everyone's eating.'

'Are there speeches, or are there going to be?'

'Not yet. That's later.'

'And where are you?'

'At a table with a couple of his other friends from school. We're all wearing suits. I only just bought mine. My dad got it for me. It's my first grown-up suit, with a tie and everything.'

'Are you pleased with it?'

'I feel really good whenever I see myself in a mirror. I look really smart. Really grownup.'

'Is something embarrassing going to happen?'

'Later.'

'Are you ready to say what?'

While under hypnosis, Jason always takes a second or two to come back with a response, but this time it takes several seconds. 'No.'

'OK. Tell me a bit more about what's happening.'

'Paul's getting ready for his speech, but we still have got two courses to go. I'm eating a lot. I'm talking to Raj.'

'Who's Raj?'

'Paul's other friend. My friend too, kind of.'

'What does 'kind of' mean?'

'I really like him. I don't know if he likes me. He plays tennis for the county. Everyone thinks he's amazing.'

'And do you?'

Jason blushes. 'Yeah. I really do.'

'You look up to him?'

'More.'

Charlie considers this. 'You have a crush on him?'

'It's more than a crush. I think it's actual love.'

Charlie takes this information in his stride and doesn't drop a beat. 'I see. And do you think he feels the same way?'

'He's straight. We're talking about girls. He keeps pointing out waitresses and seeing if I fancy them too. I'm pretending I do. It would be nice if that sort of got him in the mood, but it won't. Tonight we're sharing a room at this hotel and getting picked up by our mums in the morning.'

'Just the two of you?'

'Yeah.'

'What else is happening?'

'We don't really know anyone else. It's all Paul's friends and family. Raj's chatting up one of the waitresses and goes off with her. Then he comes back with two drinks.'

'Two?' asks Charlie.

'They're in tall glasses so it looks like elderflower juice or something. He gives me one.'

'And what is it?'

'It's wine. I almost spit it out over the table. He winks. He puts his finger to his lips, and I think it's funny.'

'And you both drink the wine?'

'Yeah, I've had wine before.'

'This much wine?'

'Not this much.'

'And when does this happen?'

'During the starter. It's melon. Then there's another starter, then a main course. I'm getting drunk. Raj is too. I don't notice at first but then it hits me. And it's fun.'

'Then what happens?'

'I need the toilet. Like suddenly really badly, and I'm going to go, but - the speeches start. Paul's doing a speech and Raj and me have to do something in it.'

'What do you have to do?'

'We have to go up and hold up cards for different bits of the speech. They're lyrics because part of it's a karaoke song.'

'Do you not have time to go before his speech?'

'I'm not sure when it's his turn. First there's his dad giving a speech, so I hang on in case it's after that. But it goes on for ages and everyone keeps laughing. I'm really desperate by the end. So I whisper to Raj how I need a piss and he says I'd better wait. Then Paul's mum gets up and says "I don't have a lot to say" so I think she'll be really quick and then it's our turn. So I hold on, but her speech goes on longer than his dad's. And halfway through I'm really busting. So finally she finishes and everyone's clapping and I say to Raj, I've got to go, I'm seriously busting. and he's like, well be really quick.'

'So do you go?'

'Yeah, I get up, but as soon as I get up I trip straight over cause I'm drunk. It makes a loud noise and everyone looks around at me and a lot of people are laughing. So I stand up and then just sit down again, so they'll stop looking, and eventually they do.'

'And is it your turn next?'

'Yeah, she finishes and then it's Paul, so I can't go anywhere. They introduce us: "to help with this please welcome to the front Raj and Jason, so I stand up...'

As he recounts this, Jason shifts and pushes himself upright on the massage table, almost falling off. Charlie, alarmed, leans over to stop him falling off the edge. Jason sits for a few seconds.

'Jason?' Charlie asks. Has he woken up?

'Mnh.'

'Jason, are you still at the hotel?'

'It's the speech. I have to stand up.'

He's somnambulating, thinks Charlie. I just have to make sure he doesn't come to harm.

'So you stand up,' prompts Charlie, and then Jason starts to move to get off the massage table. Charlie doesn't stop him, just moves around to that side, and gently supports Jason as he plants his socked feet on the floor. Then he places a guiding hand on Jason's shoulder and waits to see what he'll do next. 'What happens next, after you have stood up?' he asks.

'Me and Raj go up to the front and get the stuff off the table.' Jason starts padding across the room and before he reaches the exit door, turns around, apparently to an imaginary room full of people.

'Do you think about leaving the room?'

'I'm trying to work out where the toilet is, first of all.'

'I see.' Charlie stands beside Jason, hand on shoulder, ready to catch him if he falls. Jason is clearly having a full waking dream experience.

'I'm trying to work out which door I'll go through, but I want to do this thing for Paul. Paul's looking over at us. He can tell something's wrong.' Jason goes on. 'We rehearsed it when we arrived and it needs me and Raj. We have to pick up the cards in order. So we stand there for ages, and Paul's just doing the first part of his speech and he's getting really good laughs and it's going slower than in the rehearsal. Normally, I'd be laughing too, and feeling really proud of him, but I'm just trying to stand still, without fidgeting too much, but it's really hard.'

Jason fidgets a little, still standing, looking out into the imaginary ballroom from his past, he screws one leg on the floor, then does it with the other.

'And do you make it through the speech?'

'Yeah, and through the song. But we get it wrong because we're drunk. Everyone thinks it's really funny when we pick up the wrong word. And I'm frightened because they can probably tell we've been drinking.' Jason vaguely mimes picking up cards from a table and showing them to his audience. 'But by this time I'm really desperate and I know it's going to come out soon. As soon as they start clapping the song, I'm running out the door. They're saying please give a round of applause to Raj and Jason, but I'm running. Out of the ballroom, into the corridor.'

Jason starts to shamble forwards, across the room, slowly, his eyes open, looking for something. Charlie stays by his side as he turns into the alcove where the bathroom door is on one side and the cupboard on the other.

'What happens then?'

'I don't know where it is and I'm running, looking for a sign on the wall, but I don't see one yet.' Jason moves around the room, walking around the massage table twice. 'Then I think maybe I should go to our room. There's a toilet there.'

Jason's hand falls to his crotch and he loosely grips it, squeezing himself. Then Charlie sees an opportunity.

'Shall I help you find the toilet?'

Jason is tugging at the door of the cupboard. 'This one's locked. I can't go in.'

'How about this one?' Charlie is gently pushing open the bathroom door.

'I could go in here,' Jason says, slurrily, like he has had far too much to drink.

'You could. Look, there's a toilet over there.'

Jason shambles into the bathroom and stops near the toilet, with the potty, where he left it, down by its side.

'What happened at the hotel, Jason? Did you eventually find a bathroom?'

'I ran up the stairs. It was four floors to our room.'

'But you managed to hold on?'

'Apart from a tiny spurt.' Jason walks closer to the toilet and stands right in front of it.

'You're doing well, Jason,' Charlie says.

Jason starts fumbling with his belt.

'Have you found the toilet now, Jason?'

'I'm in the corridor,' Jason says, 'bombing along it, but...'

'What?'

'I - '

Jason is sounding upset, breathing a bit quicker. Charlie's afraid he may wake himself.

'You're completely safe, Jason. This is something from a long time ago. You're safe here with me.'

'Yeah, I know, but...'

'Do you want to come out of the hotel now?'

'I still haven't been.'

'That doesn't matter.'

'No, I really, I really need...' Jason fumbles drunkenly with his belt again. Charlie decides it's gone far enough.

'OK, Jason, we're going to come back away from the hotel now. Can you let it go?'

'I need -'

'You can let the memory go, Jason. Come back now, come back to the room, and it will be fine.'

'I still need to. I really need to.' Jason is whining and his hand is back at his crotch, trying to drag off his belt.

Maybe he really does need to, Charlie thinks. Maybe I should try and let him go in the toilet.

Jason's whining.

'Where are you now, Jason?'

'At our room.'

'Do you go in?'

'I can't.'

'But the toilet's right here.'

'No it isn't. It's inside.'

'So go into your room now, Jason. Go in and the toilet will be right there in front of you. You won't have to worry any more.'

'But I can't.'

'What's stopping you?'

Jason has both hands at his crotch now. 'I can't.'

'What's stopping you, Jason? Why can't you go in your room?'

Jason is patting his chest and his pockets. Charlie figures it out.

'Do you have the key to your room?'

'No,' Jason whines and blushes. 'It's downstairs. In my jacket.'

'OK, Jason, let's leave the hotel now.'

'It's too late.'

'It's not too late, we can leave any time.'

'I can't. I'm going to go in my new suit.' says Jason, returning his hand to his crotch. 'I'm actually really wetting my pants again.'

'That doesn't have to happen, Jason.'

'It's happening,' Jason whines. 'My dad's going to kill me.'

Charlie looks down, but can't see anything happening. Jason, though, starts to wobble drunkenly around, and Charlie has to get him around the shoulders. He starts to lead Jason away from the toilet, toward the bathroom door, a hand under his opposite armpit.

'Come on, Jason, it's OK.'

Jason is going limp, allowing himself to be led, but he walks awkwardly. Charlie looks down again and realises that Jason has in fact wet his bedwetter pants. A little leak has sprung and there's just a small stain forming on Jason's jeans as Charlie sits him back on the massage table.

'Let's come away from there, Jason, now. Are we somewhere else now?'

Charlie gets Jason sat straight, despite his going floppy, and then gently lowers the young man on to his side again, lifting his legs up on to the table, putting his arm on a pillow and restoring him to his normal massage position. He checks Jason's leak. It's not too bad. The bedwetter pants took the brunt of the accident.

'Where are you now, Jason?'

'I'm in bed.'

'That's a safe place, isn't it?'

'I'm wet,' Jason says.

'But you're not in public,' Charlie says.

'I'm safe.'

'Yes, you're safe.'

There's a silence. Jason's breathing returns to normal and his eyes have closed. A few moments later his thumb creeps into his mouth and he's sucking on it. Charlie heaves a sigh of relief. At least he didn't wake up during the abreaction, even if there'd been an accident.

Charlie leaves Jason for a while and then counts him out of the hypnotic state. Jason comes to, removes his thumb from his mouth and smiles.

'How do you feel, Jason?' Charlie asks.

'OK, a bit nervous for some reason.' Jason looks around as if seeing the room for the first time.

'You did very well.'

'Did I?'

'Yes, you were very responsive. I think we found something important.'

'OK.'

'I do think it's possible that while you were under you might have had an accident.'

Jason colours up and his hand darts to his crotch. 'Oh, god, I'm sorry. I made sure I wore bedwetter pants.'

'I know. It's fine, Jason. There wasnt any harm done.'

'I know, but I really have to stop this.'

'I know you want to, and you are working very hard - as hard as you can - on it, so give yourself a break. I think with the right treatment you might be able to get further with this fear, even if it didn't completely work out today.'

'Sure?' says Jason.

Then Charlie knows the moment is here to say what he needs to say, that he needs to refer Jason to another therapist, that Jason needs someone new, someone expert, to get him through the rest of his recovery.

And he almost says it. He forms the right words in his head, as he always does, and they're there in his mouth ready to come out.

But then, instead, he hears himself saying 'Yes, yes, Jason I think I might be the right person. That is if you're able to still keep coming to see me.'

'OK,' says Jason, simply, oblivious to Charlie's unease.

'OK. Take your time getting up,' says Charlie, feeling helpless. 'We still have a few minutes.'

'OK. Er, is there somewhere I can dump these pants off?'

'Yeah, it's fine. Would you be comfortable with changing in the bathroom and leaving them in the potty? I'll get rid of them later.'

'OK.'

'Don't be discouraged, Jason. We definitely got somewhere today. Definitely.'

'I knew we would. I trust you.'

'That's nice to hear.'

After Jason is out of his wet bedwetter pants, he emerges from the bathroom and says, 'had a spare pair, luckily.'

And he leaves. Charlie watches him go and stands thinking for a bit.

Then he walks over to his chair, sits down, and starts worrying again.


	7. Ribs

'So what are you saying? You don't want new clients?' Phil asks, drumming his fingers on the kitchen table.

'It's not that,' says Charlie, 'I just wonder if it's time I did more training. I just think maybe I need more confidence in doing this stuff.' He tries to sound conciliatory.

'But you've had so much training. You've been doing this six years. That's such a long time. I have so many clients, I don't think I have time to train you any more. When I come home I need to switch off a bit.'

'I didn't mean necessarily you.'

'Then how are you going to pay for it?'

'I could take some other work.'

'But then when are you going to get the time?'

They've had nearly the same conversation most days this week and Charlie knows they're both tired of it. He knows Phil is better at alternative therapies than he is. Always has been. Phil has more clients, does the websites and the publicity and has a better head for business too. Charlie's not sure he'd have very much work if it wasn't for Phil.

'Charlie, you always feel like you have to look for something new,' says Phil.

'I'm just not sure if I'm doing this well enough.'

'But nobody complains.'

'They don't complain. They just... don't always come back.'

Last week Charlie lost another client, leaving him with four including Jason. Quite a few of his days are currently spent doing domestic chores or surfing the net in his consulting room at his old flat. He'd kept renting it when he moved in with Phil.

'Well, that's how it is,' Phil is saying. 'There's a lot of us out there. You sometimes have to find new people. I said I'd refer you some.'

'I know you did. I know.' If he's honest with himself, Charlie hadn't wanted Phil's cast-offs. In the past they'd always seemed to be the impossible cases, people who either didn't believe in him at all, or believed so much that disappointment was inevitable. And sometimes they turned out to be the kind that just didn't pay.

'You're too nice, sometimes, Charlie. You think you have to do everything for everyone.'

'It's not that. I'm just not sure if I'm doing much for anyone sometimes.'

'Well, you're not doing much for us if you can't bring in some more money.'

'I know that, I know, I'm sorry.'

'Well, look, I'm just being honest. Maybe you should talk to your clients - see if anyone wants additional services. At least then it won't matter about not having so many. Or herbal products. To be honest, that's where the margin is.'

'I could try.'

'There's always another treatment you can put alongside the first one. People appreciate the suggestion and it doubles the amount of appointments. I do it all the time.'

Charlie had been going to talk to Phil about Jason, and his symptoms, but he's not sure Phil really needs that right now.

 

* * * *

 

When Jason shows up for his regular appointment, he's wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with ewoks on it and loose cargo pants.

'I like your t-shirt,' Charlie says.

'Yeah, ewoks' Jason says. 'All my housemates are wearing them at the moment. We had a theme party last week and I already had this t-shirt from a few years back.'

'And you participated?'

'Yeah. Ish. It was pretty noisy. I went to bed early.'

'But you participated?'

'It was awkward, though, sitting there with a can of beer but knowing I had a nappy on underneath. No point trying to get off with anyone. I don't think anyone actually noticed. I just stayed sat in one place.'

'Are your housemates aware of your situation?'

'Yeah, they are now. They've been OK, actually. To my face, anyway.'

Charlie nods. This time the potty is ready on the floor, with the screens around it.

'Do you need to use the potty before we start?' he asks.

'I'll try in a couple of minutes,' Jason says. 'I'm starting to get a bit funny about the potty too.'

There is not much good news when Charlie asks. Jason wears nappies in the daytimes most days lately - hence the cargo pants. Still, he looks healthier now, less dehydrated now that he's no longer avoiding drinking water in the daytime.

'And how's your sleeping?' Charlie asks.

'Not so bad, apart from always being wet. I still feel tired in the day.'

'Autumn's coming on. Does that affect you in that way?'

'It can do,' concedes Jason.

They make an attempt for Jason to use the potty. It doesn't last long. After a couple of minutes Jason knocks on the bathroom door. When Charlie opens it Jason is standing in just his nappy, socks and the t-shirt. He presumably hasn't managed yet.

'Um. Can I ask you something, please?'

'Sure,' says Charlie.

'Do you think... could you help me with this? In here?'

Charlie takes a slightly guarded tone. 'Well, what sort of help do you think you need?'

'I'm not sure. I just... it's just that I feel like I need something - some energy or some support. Like someone's helping me out.'

'You want me to be in the room with you?'

'Yeah. And maybe just put your hand on my head or shoulders or something. You know. Like the poster on your wall.'

'You think that would help, having someone else there? For a lot of people that would be quite offputting.'

'Yeah, I know, but,' Jason seems enthused by a sort of energy today. Not only have the dark circles under his eyes mostly disappeared, but he seems more alert, less lethargic and hesitant. 'But recently, when I've tried to go on the potty, what I do is I try to imagine your voice, sort of encouraging me.'

'That's quite flattering, Jason, that you'd imagine my voice.'

'Well, it's the way you talk. It's really - I don't know - encouraging. I hear it when I sleep too. Maybe it's because of the hypnotism. Could we try?'

'You want me to kneel next to you?'

'Yeah. Next to me over here.'

Charlie does what he's told and lets his client lead. That's what I've always believed in, anyway, he thinks. The patient should find their path to their own solution. It's just that so often they don't.

'Do you need a minute to get changed?' Charlie asks, and Jason stands behind the screen for a moment, silhouetted in the light, removes his nappy and sits down.

'OK. Ready,' he says.

Charlie comes around the screen and kneels slightly to the side and behind Jason, carefully averts his eyes from Jason's bottom and the potty area. He places his hands on Jason's shoulders. 'So, you say that when you hear my voice in your head, it encourages you when you're on the potty?'

'Yeah.'

'What sort of things do you hear me saying?'

Now Jason blushes. Jason feels it through his hands. 'Sometimes it's questions.'

'Like I ask in our sessions?'

'Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes it's affirmations. Like the ones on the posters. You know, like "You can manage this, Jason."'

'OK.'

'You must think I'm nuts.'

'No, I don't think you're nuts. I think you are pushing toward something you know can help you, and you're asking for that thing. That's a really brave, healthy decision to take. So many people don't know what they need, and can't ask for it.'

'Yeah, that's the kind of thing. Keep going.'

Charlie draws breath for inspiration, squeezes Jason's shoulders, then begins.

'OK, Jason, you're in a safe space, somewhere you feel unselfconscious and with someone that you trust. That means that today, whatever has been happening to you during the week, today you will feel confident and relaxed enough to use this potty.'

Jason has closed his eyes.

'Last week we talked a lot while you were under hypnosis.'

'What did we talk about?' Jason's eyes remain closed, but his voice is the same. Charlie imagines he feels more comfortable with eyes closed.

'We talked about a memory you had of a time when you were at a friend's Bar Mitzvah, in a hotel.'

'Oh yeah. I remember that.'

'Do you remember much detail?'

'I can see why it came up.'

'Why's that?'

'I wet the hotel bed. It was the wine we had.'

'You wet the bed?'

'Didn't I say that under hypnosis?'

'Not precisely that. You talked about having wet your suit trousers.'

'Did I?'

'You don't remember that?'

'No. I don't think... I don't remember that.'

'Were you there with a boy called Raj?'

'Yeah, he was there.'

'OK. Well, we might explore a little deeper today if you sleep. How are you doing, there?'

'Sorry, I got distracted. You might have to help me get back in the zone.'

'All right, let's just focus on some calming thoughts, then. I'm sending calming energy through my hands, through your shoulders. Can you feel that?'

'Yep.'

Charlie begins to move his hands inward, sliding them to Jason's neck and the bottom of his scalp, then back again. 'That energy is travelling very slowly, very relaxing, down inside your body. It's heading through your stomach and your belly and moving toward your bladder, relaxing it, and gently allowing it to un-tighten, to de-tense and to relax. You don't have to do anything to make this happen, Jason, it's just going to happen completely naturally, with the natural rhythms of your body. It doesn't have to happen straight away. Whenever it happens is the right time for you.'

And on it goes. Charlie praises Jason for having dealt so well with his problem, tells him he should feel proud of how maturely he's dealt with his incontinence issue and his fears and worries. Charlie can see that smile - the one he gets when he's under - is on Jason's face, but his eyes remain closed.

A couple of times, Jason tenses, seems to be ready, but there's no patter of liquid. Charlie is patient, knows they can take all afternoon if necessary. Phil's not back until late tonight because of extra appointments. Charlie's determined they're going to get somewhere today.

But after all while nothing much has happened.

'I'm trying really hard,' Jason says, betraying some distress at last.

'Don't try too hard, Jason, the important thing is to relax, not to focus too much on getting it right.'

But Jason is emotional again. 'But WHY can't I get this right?' he's asking.

'It's going to take time, it - ' Charlie begins, but Jason thumps a fist on the floor.

'I'm fed up with it!' Jason shouts, and there's a couple of tears of frustration in his eyes. 'I'm such a fucking pathetic loser.'

'No, you're not, Jason.'

'I am. I can't even take a piss on a potty like a three year old. And now I'm fucking crying like one. Fuck sake.'

And he cries, sitting on the potty, Charlie's hands still reassuringly resting on his shoulders. Charlie starts to feel like this may not have been the best way to tackle this problem. He leans over to the coffee table and grabs a tissue to hand to Jason, who rubs his eyes.

Then Charlie leans forward and puts his arms around Jason's upper body, reassuringly. Jason grabs Charlie's arm with his hand and cries for a little while into the tissue. Charlie lets it happen, rests his chin gently on the top of Jason's head.

After a while, Jason calms, and Charlie quietly asks, 'Want to try again?'

Jason nods, but nearly ten minutes later all of Charlie's reassuring words have achieved only a couple of tiny splashes, then Jason is unable to perform any more.

'I'm really sorry.'

'It's OK. You did really well to get something out. Why don't you change back, and we can do the massage, OK?'

Charlie retires beyond the screen as Jason tapes himself back into his nappy, then steps out from the screen.

'Do you need your trousers on?' Charlie asks.

'They just get in the way,' says Jason, and thumps himself down on the massage table, almost sulkily. Charlie wonders if Jason's signalling his feelings of humiliation and finds a towel to stop Jason's legs getting cold.

While Charlie's massaging Jason's belly and chest through his Ewok t-shirt, Jason talks.

'It's not too bad at work. I've worked out the times I can go in the bathroom and get changed. And I can just dump the old nappy out the back. People don't really know it's going on, I don't think. I haven't leaked at all.'

'That's good. They don't need to know.'

'Yeah, it reminded me of that thing we said the other day.'

'What was that?'

'Fake it till you make it. At some point I'll stop wearing them and they'll never know I was faking being continent. Is that what it's called? Continent? The opposite of incontinent.'

'It actually is. Like Asia or Africa.'

'Weird. Yeah, it's like I can convince them I don't have a phobia.'

'And that's quite empowering?'

'Yeah, kind of. I feel more safe now, like I'm not constantly worried I'm going to have an accident and everyone finds out that way.'

'Good.'

'Know what the worst thing is, though?'

'What?'

'Number two. That's pretty gross. I mean, at least I can choose my time. I go in the mornings usually, after the others have left the house.'

'And you use the potty then?'

'Mostly. If everyone's out. But the day after the party on Sunday, there were people sleeping in the house. Not just in the rooms, on the landing and the kitchen too. So I just couldn't do it. I just really couldn't see how I could dump the stuff into the toilet without getting busted. So I thought maybe I could empty it into a plastic bag, but I looked and they all had holes in them. To stop kids putting them on their heads and not being able to breathe. I'm sorry about going into the gross detail.'

'I can take it. It helps me understand.'

'The thing is, I usually do both - piss and shit - at the same time, so a plastic bag just wouldn't work. So I went out for a walk to think about it, and I even tried to think if I could maybe just find a quiet place outside and maybe I could dump off the nappy somewhere afterwards, but obviously I needed somewhere to change, and there's no public toilets or anything like that near us, except in the park, and they're locked on Sundays anyway. And anyway, I'd never go into those ones. They're really nasty. So I finally came back home and locked myself in my room. And then...'

Charlie sees Jason colouring up and supplies the detail he doesn't seem able to say. 'And then you were able to use your nappy instead?'

'Eventually,' Jason's beginning to sound emotional again. Charlie makes reassuring noises, and squeezes his shoulders, but it looks like Jason may cry again.

'It was so weird,' Jason says, closing his eyes. A tear runs out of the corner of his eye back into his hair. Charlie gently wipes the trail away. 'I was just thinking of it as something practical to do, but I didn't know how it would feel. It all squished up against my bum. I just felt so... babyish.'

'But you managed to get changed OK?' Charlie emphasises the only positive he can think of.

'Yeah, I had wipes and things, and lots of bags, so I could go and dump it all out in a bin on the street. It was still fucking gross, though.'

'But nobody found out.'

'Except you, just now.'

'And when you use the word "babyish",' Charlie asks, not sure of where this goes, 'what does that mean to you?'

Jason thinks for quite a while. 'Well, little; weak; helpless.'

'Those aren't bad things in themselves.'

'Not if you actually are a baby. But babies don't have to change their own dirty nappies. Lucky bastards.'

'But it's interesting that you didn't use negative words just then.'

'What are you saying?' Jason sounds a bit defensive.

'It's just interesting to consider how this seems to you.'

'Well, I'm not a big fan of shitting my pants, to be honest, and having to clean myself up. I really want to fix it.'

'I know.'

'That's what I need help for. That's what I need you for. I just hope soon that I can sit on the potty here and go, like a normal person.'

Charlie feels a stab of guilt when Jason says it, although he knows it's irrational. Still, had he given something away just now, sounded overly interested in the details of the problem, not focused enough on the solution? Of course he wants Jason to conquer this thing. Absolutely.

'Let's do your back, Jason, and maybe we can make some more progress on this.'

'Apart from anything else, it's getting expensive. I get through three or four nappies a day. And that's only if I make sure I wait and use them twice before I change them. And obviously I don't have a sex life any more. Not with anyone else, anyway.'

'There are some places...' Charlie starts to say, but then doesn't think he wants to say that. Instead he asks, 'you're still experiencing normal sexual function?'

'I still jerk off. I always used to do it in bed.'

'Yes.'

'I still do, just in a soggy nappy in a pissy bed sometimes.'

'To get nappies more cheaply, have you seen your GP? There might be ways of getting a prescription or at least a discount.'

'Can't get an appointment.'

'I think it would be worth trying to.'

'Yeah, I will.'

Charlie decides to try a new angle as he settles Jason on his side and tucks the towel around his legs. 'This might seem an odd question but did you ever suck your thumb, Jason?'

'No, not since I was about eleven.'

'But before then?'

'Yeah, I loved it. I supposedly gave up when I was seven. We did all that stuff with the fingernail paint. But then I just did it secretly in bed. Had to have braces in the end.'

'And did something in particular cause you to give up at eleven?'

'Don't think so. Just happened.'

'And you haven't had any times since when you returned to it?'

'Not really. I was always pretty keen to grow up. Do you think this is to do with that, then?'

'I'm not sure, Jason.'

'Like it's all coming from a suppressed desire to return to infancy. Like those old fat men you see on TV programmes dressed up in rubber bonnets and frilly knickers and drinking from bottles.' Jason's tone isn't kind.

'No, I'm not saying it's like that. Although certainly there are some people like that.'

'No, Charlie, I don't think that's me, somehow. Anyway, they don't do it because of a phobia.'

'That's true.'

'They do it because they actually like sitting in their own shit. Kicking their legs in high chairs and burping and going goo goo ga ga. Not my style at all. And besides, on Sunday night they take it all off and put it in the wardrobe, put on a suit and go to work in a bank or whatever. They get a choice. I don't.'

Charlie tries not to feel stung by Jason's rather nasty characterisation of ABs, but then why would he know any better? He's not entirely wrong anyway. Those older guys had messaged him in the past and were one reason he'd been glad to leave it all behind.

Charlie starts stroking Jason's back and it's another twenty minutes before Jason is under and his thumb is his mouth. Charlie wonders if it's been there nearly every night since he was eleven without Jason ever being aware of it.

So where now? Charlie thinks for a minute and then:

'Jason, we're going to go a bit further back now.'

'Mm hmn.'

'Are you ready to do that?'

'Yuh.'

'Good boy. Last time you were thirteen at the hotel. Can you remember when you were eleven?'

'Yuh.'

'We're looking for the last time you remember sucking your thumb. Do you remember that?'

'Yuh.'

'OK, so let's make it possible to talk to me. Why don't you take your thumb out of your mouth now?'

Jason takes it out.

'Can you remember what happened before you stopped sucking your thumb, Jason?'

'Yes.'

'Tell me.'

'It was my birthday. Paul was round.'

'Your friend Paul from the Bar Mitzvah?'

'Yeah.'

'And what were you doing?'

'We were playing Monopoly in my bedroom. He was cheating.'

'And then what?'

'He kept telling me jokes to distract me from noticing he was taking extra money.'

'Wasn't anyone else round for your birthday?'

'It was the end of the party. Everyone had gone home, except Paul. He was staying over.'

'And what happened then?'

'I said he was cheating, and he just wrestles me cos he's go no comeback.'

'On the floor?'

'Yeah, all round the room and we knock things over. He's pretty strong. He's bigger than me. He grabs me and pushes me down on the floor.'

'And then what?'

'Then he tickles me.'

Jason curls up on the massage table, and Charlie puts an arm across his torso, gripping the opposite edge of the table, to stop him rolling off.

'Is it fun?'

Jason writhes slowly on the table, re-enacting being tickled, as if in a slow motion replay. Charlie holds on as Jason writhes and bucks. The towel slips off Jason's legs.

'It's sort of fun, but he's very strong. I can't do anything.'

'You feel powerless?'

'Yes, and I can't breathe. But I'm laughing. He does it a lot. I try and get away, like crawling, but he picks me up and throws me back on the floor.'

'And does that hurt?'

'Not really badly, but it winds me a bit. I'm right on the Monopoly board, sitting on it. All the tokens and hotels have gone everywhere. There's little plastic houses sticking in my butt.'

'Does he let you go?'

'No, he's doing his Lord Zedd voice and saying I'm a Power Ranger and he's going to crush me into little pieces. And I'm shouting he's got to stop. All I can say is "No", over and over again because I can't get my breath. Then he picks me up and throws me down again. It's still not too hard, but my drink spills all over.'

'But he carries on after that?'

'He just keeps picking me up and thumping me down. And now I need the toilet. I drank too much Coke at the party.'

'But you can't speak?'

'I'm trying but I'm almost crying, but he can't tell the difference. He thinks I'm laughing. So then he picks me up and I'm completely upside down and he gets me in a fireman's lift. But then he loses his balance, and down I go, back on the Monopoly board, and this time I go down hard.'

'And then what happens?'

'Well, I know I'm going to pee any second, but I can't say anything at all, and he comes back. He's tickling me again, all under my ribs.'

Jason's hands bat ineffectually at his ribcage and at Charlie's torso and arm, ineffectually, fighting off an imaginary attacker.

'So I'm trying to get up, but I can't. And all I can do is try to shuffle under him so I get my bum off the Monopoly board, because I don't want to get piss all over that because it's not mine, it's the family's and I'll get in trouble if I piss all over it.'

Jason is shuffling sideways, pushing against Charlie. Charlie has to let go of the table and hold Jason on the massage table. Jason's flailing arm hits him in the chest. Charlie has to struggle hard to keep him on the massage table. Jason's trying to shift his bottom sideways. One of his legs falls down.

And, without much surprise this time, Charlie can see from the spreading marbling on the front of the nappy that Jason's re-enacting his accident, while describing it. Jason goes limp in his arms.

'I can't get out from underneath him, and he keeps on tickling, and I can feel I'm going in my pants, all over the board. And I go all limp. And when he realises, all Paul can do is laugh. And my mum gets angry with both of us.'

The stain on the front of Jason's nappy keeps growing, and Charlie can hear the faint hiss as Jason's pee is wicked up. He's never seen this in real life before and can't help watching.

'And that night in bed,' Jason says,'Paul kept saying, Jason, you're so babyish. You're so babyish. And I didn't suck my thumb.'

Before long, Jason is quiet again, no longer moving and Charlie's just about able to get him back on the table, on his side. Jason's thumb returns to his mouth.

Charlie covers him with a towel and lets him sleep a little longer.

When Jason awakens, he looks around and seems disorientated at first. As he gets off the table, he looks down at his nappy, just confirming that he wet. He doesn't apologise for it this time, though, and doesn't even remark on it. It's not so much of a surprise.

'I really think we're getting closer, Jason,' Charlie assures him, and Jason nods.

'Yeah, I feel like we are.'

Jason is short of ten pounds toward the fees, but Charlie says it's fine, he can pay the difference next time.

'We're going to beat this thing, Jason,' Charlie says, just as Jason's at the door, having changed his nappy in the bathroom and left the old one for Charlie to deal with.

'I know we are,' says Jason.

'Until then, fake it till you make it, OK?'

Jason smiles.

Then, spontaneously, Charlie adds: 'and if you ever want a bit of extra potty practice when it's your work day, then please just give me a call. I'm quite free in the daytimes at the moment, so it's no trouble to fit that in for ten minutes. I won't charge you.'

Charlie can still see the Star Wars logo on Jason's t-shirt through the bus window as it disappears down the street. It looks like Jason is waving to him, running to the back seat as the bus gets further away, to wave out of the back window. A couple of people on the bus look round.

I've got to go through with this, Charlie tells himself. I owe it to him.

He sits down to meditate, not paying any attention - or as little as possible - to the fact he's semi-erect. That doesn't matter either, does it?


	8. Fingers

Phil had announced that morning that he'd been given a chance to go on a retreat. He'd be going tomorrow and be back after a fortnight.

'I'll move all my clients up. When I get back I'm going to be working quite long hours to fit them all in.'

'Will I see much of you?' Charlie asked.

'It won't be for too long.'

'OK.'

'You could do a bit of work on the website, or see if you can get any more clients.'

'Could do.'

Now Charlie's sitting in his office. This is just like Phil to disappear at short notice. He's done it before. Well, I can take a bit of a holiday too, while he's away, he thinks.

Then Jason calls up and asks if he could come and use the potty there again, and Charlie says sure.

'You look smart today,' Charlie says in surprise. Jason is in a shirt, tie and jacket and smart casual trousers. His stubble has gone, too. He's wearing aftershave. He looks very mature.

'Going to an interview.'

'I see.'

'It's a pretty good job.'

It's strange to watch besuited Jason as he strips off his jacket and trousers, then his nappy and finally sit on the potty in shirt and tie and socks. Once again Charlie holds and strokes Jason's shoulders through his shirt, doing his best to say encouraging things. He keeps it up for five minutes, then finds his mind is wandering, and he's starting to feel like words aren't coming, which is an unusual feeling. He's nervous on Jason's behalf about the interview. He doesn't want Jason to go in feeling desperate, or, worse, wet.

'When is this interview?'

'Not till three this afternoon,' Jason says. 'I'm going to the library to wait after this, if it works.'

'That's a good idea, to give yourself lots of time,' says Charlie 'The important thing is to know that I can be here with you for as long as it takes. And if we don't succeed today, then it's fine. You can put your nappy back on, if that helps you feel more relaxed, and you can use that because there's still time to clean up. You can use my shower here if you'd feel comfortable doing that.'

'Yeah, I'm generally OK with showers. Luckily.'

Then they wait a minute or two, Charlie running out of things to say.

'Maybe,' he says at last, 'maybe it would help to think about doing that. Instead of thinking about sitting here on the potty, maybe imagine you're sitting here in your nappy, let's imagine that's the scenario.'

'Hadn't thought of that.'

'How do you feel about trying it?'

'Worth a go.'

There's a pause, and Charlie falls silent. He doesn't want to ask any more about the interview in case it makes Jason more tense, but he also can't think of new encouraging things to say that he hasn't said before. He's wondering instead if getting Jason under hypnosis would be a better way to tackle this, since he needs to be in the room anyway. It hasn't escaped Charlie's attention that although Jason seems to really appreciate his efforts, they've made little forward progress at all so far, compared to Jason's situation when he first started visiting.

Charlie looks at the back of Jason's head and down his back, still holding on reassuringly to his shoulders, wondering, as he often does, what's happening in his client's head.

'It feels like I can, almost,' Jason says.

'Good, Jason.'

'It's just that last little hurdle or whatever, you know, going up to the edge but not quite jumping.'

'I know, Jason,' says Charlie. Then he waits.

Then after a while, Jason says, 'No. It's no good. I just can't - '

Then some instinct makes Charlie pull in closer, push his hands further round Jason's shoulders, press his own chest to Jason's back and say, 'I believe you can. Jason, you're safe.' Charlie holds Jason's upper body in his arms and very slowly, very gently rocks him just a tiny amount from side to side. 'You're completely safe. There's absolutely nothing to fear.'

Charlie for a moment thinks he's gone too far. Initially he feels Jason tense in surprise at the unexpected hug, and he's about to pull away and apologise. But a few seconds later there's a relaxation, followed shortly by a patter in the pot. Charlie holds on to Jason, barely moving, keeping the young man upright, his nose almost resting on Jason's crown. The stream continues, there's the splash of bubbles in the potty under Jason's bottom and Charlie whispers 'Good. Good boy,' three or four times, holding Jason tight until he finishes.

It takes a while for him to finish, but Jason is beaming when he does. As soon as Charlie lets go of the hug, he stands up, bottom-half naked, and inspects his achievement. Then he takes the brimming potty straight out to the toilet to empty it. Charlie picks up Jason's nappy to hand back to him when he returns. Jason takes it, disappears behind the screen, changes back into it, pulls up his trousers and shrugs on his jacket. He comes back out and smiles at Charlie.

'Well done, Jason,' Charlie says.

Jason doesn't say anything then throws himself forward into Charlie's arms, and gives him a hug.

'You're brilliant,' he says.

'Don't be silly,' says Charlie, suddenly very embarrassed. 'You found that confidence inside yourself.'

'I'd better dash,' says Jason.

And he goes out and into the street, on his way to the library. Charlie's surprised it worked, but it definitely had.

And it hadn't turned him on, so that was a relief. Jason deserves better than that.

Charlie's other patient phones a short while later to cancel without re-booking another date. Charlie has nothing else to do for the rest of the day. Despite Jason's triumph Charlie feels a little bit on edge - or sad, or both. After rinsing out Jason's potty and making sure it's clean, he washes his hands, then settles at the computer, searching for information about toilet phobias. He doesn't find out much new. Nobody on the various forums he visits has any tales of the phobia being cured by hugging. He's gratified that the hug seemed to work, but clearly they have to find a way of Jason being able to pee without relying on it.

Charlie reads more about how people get over the phobia. Maybe the search for a root cause isn't important, he thinks, if I can get Jason back to using the toilet by giving him positive attention. Maybe that's what it's all about. Previously he's felt vulnerable because he's alone in the toilet. In a funny kind of way it is one of the loneliest places we have to go to.

He does a few more searches, then diversifies into "using nappies for incontinence" and that turns up the expected mixture of medical and fetish results.

The fetish, of course, has been hovering in his mind this week, but Charlie's generally avoided going online about it, though it's been tempting when Phil has been around so little. All the same, it seems wrong to think too much of it while he's got Jason as a client, so he's avoided it. And yet, Charlie thinks, perhaps there is reason to bring it out and examine it in the light. Jason may be wearing from medical need, certainly, but what's interesting is that he sucks his thumb when he's under and doesn't seem to be conscious of this when he's awake.

And there's little doubt that Jason is managing well, very naturally, with nappies. He doesn't really complain about them the way most people surely would. And most people with toilet phobias, he's read, do a lot of other things but don't resort to nappies. They might stop drinking and eating altogether, they might never leave the house. Or they might conquer the fear under certain conditions. Jason's done some of those things, to a certain extent, but come to think of it he hasn't let the phobia destroy his life, or stop him progressing. Today he's even going to a job interview.

That's the strangest part of all this. Yes, Jason has been tearful, frustrated, but there'd never been a moment when he'd been helpless, or collapsed or needed Charlie to take charge of the treatment. Jason nearly always steers. Even earlier today he could have steered Charlie away from giving him a hug.

And Charlie realises for the first time that Jason steering makes him feel good, much better than with his other clients, who come along with problems, simple or complex, and look to him to be the wise man, someone who can listen to their problem and seconds later say, with confidence, 'this requires a course of herbal supplements' or 'you need deep tissue massage for that' or 'only quantum healing can really help with this'. Charlie makes those decisions and those judgements all the time, but last week, he sat at his desk, after one of Jason's sessions and wondered what he based those decisions on.

At least Jason was giving him something to go on.

On the other hand, apart from today, weren't things actually getting worse? I'm uncovering things from his past, Charlie thinks, but maybe they're not helping. Am I digging these things out because they'll help or just because I'm curious?

And are they real memories anyway? Jason, when conscious, remembers the Bar Mitzvah situation differently to what he'd described when he was under. What actually happened at that hotel? Was it a wet bed or wet suit trousers? Normally Charlie would believe that Jason under hypnotism is the true Jason, and that the conscious Jason suppressed the more traumatic memory and replaced it with something more acceptable.

But is it possible Jason's subconscious interacts with mine, he thinks, that somehow he picks up that I like looking after vulnerable people? That I'm not grossed out by his nappies and stuff. Maybe his subconscious invents some of these things to please me?

This thought disturbs Charlie more than a bit. Maybe I need to take control of this, he thinks, find some other way of finding someone to look after.

Charlie, while thinking, has followed a link to adult incontinence supplies. It's the first time in a long time he's gone to a site like this. While browsing and thinking he has absentmindedly clicked and added some adult nappies to his basket.

Instead of deleting the accidental order, Charlie opens another tab, hiding the supplier site. He types the the address of an old ABDL site that he remembers into the address bar. To his surprise the site is still there after six years. Accounts are still free too.

It might be interesting to see how much the site's grown, how many more people are into this nowadays. Phil wouldn't have to know. It's definitely getting easier to be open about that kind of thing nowadays. There are TV programmes. There was a while when you saw teenagers on the street with dummies round their necks. There was that whole craze for onesies, too.

Charlie, after hovering over the "x" in the corner of the screen for a while, sets up an account on the site, and slips in, does a couple of searches for local members. There's nobody on from within sixty miles or so, but there are definitely more people signed up these days. There's a couple of names he recognises from years ago, still looking for a daddy, still looking for action. Some of the pictures he even recognises, some of them looking much older. There's fresh faces too, young guys in their early twenties or even late teens. There's a lot of them. Most of them have obvious names, like "diaperbaby01" or "Paciboy86". Charlie resists the urge to log out and instead goes into the chatroom to see who's around.

It's just a couple of people. They say hi, but there's no conversation happening. Then some guy about 45 private messages him.

'Hi,' says the guy.

'Hey,' types Charlie.

'what r u into?' the guy asks, and Charlie sits for half a minute staring at the screen, trying to think of an honest answer to that question.

It takes him three minutes to type 'I like looking after nappy boys.' and another five minutes before he presses send.

Then a horrible wave of nerves and self-disgust comes over him and he closes down the chatroom, logs out of the site and closes the tab. He tries for a moment to remember the password he just set up, then is grateful that he can't.

That was stupid, he tells himself. You shouldn't have done that. And you shouldn't have told Jason he could come any time and use the potty.

He stares at Jason's potty, sitting under the massage table.

Even though he needs it, he adds, to himself.

Then Charlie practises meditation for a long time, trying not to think about anything. In his mind, he takes himself to the edge of the sea perched on a cliff. Then he leaps up, over the edge and swoops, flying on the air currents like a seagull. Then he swoops over land, flying over towns and villages, always moving, never coming to rest.

He leans back in his chair, flying over islands and inlets, railways and little toy-sized buses, on and on.

He falls asleep and wakes up hours later, erect. He's not sure what he was dreaming about. It's gone, but he's left with a feeling of melancholy. He pads back to his laptop on the table, shakes the mouse to wake it up.

On the screen is the incontinence supplies shop, still with an order of adult nappies in it. Charlie goes to close it and then hesitates.

Then, guided by - he doesn't know what - he completes the purchase, sets the delivery address as this flat. He's not sure why he did it. As he completes the purchase he's imagining changing someone on his massage table, trying to remember how you change a nappy. Maybe he could offer a hypnotherapeutic daddy service, get some clients for that. Another alternative therapy. Or maybe, he thinks, I can try them myself. Get it out of my system.

Charlie goes for a long hot shower, jerks off and comes, which calms him down.

He's not long out when his phone rings.

'I got the job,' Jason says, sounding delighted. 'I start on Monday. I'm going to be able to rent my own flat.'

'Wow. That's great, Jason,' says Charlie. 'I'm pleased for you.'

'I'll still come and see you.'

'Er, sure, of course, if you need that. But that's great news.'

Charlie hangs up, and breathes a sigh of relief. Jason's going to be busy. No more daytime potty visits.

It's definitely for the best. And as expected, there'd been no sign of a profile for Jason on the ABDL sites. Anyway, why would there have been?

Hopefully, Jason would be healed, sorted and back on his feet again soon. Charlie could forget him.


	9. Bottom

Before his new job starts, Jason visits a few more times and makes good, quick, even efficient progress on the potty. All it takes now is for Charlie to hold him round his shoulders and say a few encouraging words and he's performing. It's now just a matter of a few minutes each morning. He's doing so well that he asks, cautiously, if he can come around on the weekend too, before he starts the new job, and Charlie can't see that that would do much harm.

Charlie's spending the shortening nights at the flat now - his old flat - the one that contains his consulting room. With Phil away there doesn't seem a lot of point going home. The bedroom is small and he had been using it as a second massage room, but now Charlie just uses it to sleep in.

He's not sure where the time goes, but he meditates, sees one of his two remaining other clients for an hour or so, goes to the park to watch the leaves slowly turning golden. And he takes the occasional curious look at ABDL blogs on tumblr. There's plenty there and it doesn't need a log on.

So long as I explore it just online, Charlie thinks, and keep it separate from my work, that's the main thing. On a couple of occasions he allows himself to get turned on by what he sees, and once or twice takes the laptop into his bedroom so he can jerk off. It feels wrong, but not a terrible kind of wrong. So long as he focuses on the boys from the blogs in the fantasies and doesn't let Jason appear.

He decides against joining a specialist site or chatting with anyone online.

Jason's new job is in an office, five days a week. It's a publisher of factual books. He seems much happier.

'The best thing is I'll be able to leave the house share.'

'You're pleased about that?'

'I'll miss the guys a bit, but it's gonna be much more practical... with my problems.'

'Do you think you'll be able to feel relaxed using a toilet in your own flat?'

'Maybe,' says Jason, as if he hadn't actually thought of that. 'But I mean I can just get a lot more privacy if I'm using nappies or a potty.'

'Are you still able to use the potty at home now?'

'Quite a bit of the time. To be honest, for number two I'm finding it a bit more straightforward to use the nappy, weirdly enough.'

'I see. You don't find that harder?'

'Well, getting rid of stuff is a bit more straightforward, that's all. Kind of. If I can use wipes and avoid the shower.' Jason says, 'I guess I have to stick to that cos I can't really come here and do it on this potty.'

Charlie hesitates, then says, 'well, it wouldn't bother me.'

'Really?'

Charlie shrugs. 'No, not if it would help you along the way. I have dealt with worse in my career.'

Jason grins. 'You're such a professional. I bet most people would say forget it. I don't know if I could get relaxed enough. Maybe I could.'

'Well, just let me know if that would help,' says Charlie, and cringes inwardly, then decides to make up for it. 'I was wondering if we manage to do this succesfully a few more times if you'd feel up to tackling the toilet in some way as our next step.'

'Mm. Dunno.' Jason suddenly changes expression and looks out of the window evasively.

'Maybe just standing by it, looking at it at first.'

'Yeah. Maybe. At least I'm managing the potty now.'

'Maybe tomorrow you could use the potty in the bathroom.'

'On my own?'

'Well, that would be progress. But not if you didn't want to.'

The next day, Charlie's online nappy order arrives and he unpacks it into the cupboard opposite the bathroom, covering it up with towels, just in case Jason should chance upon it during a sleepwalking episode. Then once he's stored it, an idea occurs to him and he returns to the laptop and goes to a few other websites to make some additional orders.

He considers trying one of the nappies himself, but doesn't, because Jason's due shortly.

'I bought you some pasta,' Jason says, putting it on Charlie's desk.

'Oh, thanks,' says Charlie.

'Do you eat pasta?'

'Yes. I'll have it tonight. Thanks. What made you think of it?'

'Well, I dunno. You're not charging me for these extra sessions. I just thought - something to eat, if you don't want money.'

'That's very thoughtful of you.'

'I could bring you some wine another time.'

'It's OK, you don't have to bring anything.'

'I have some spare in the house. I just don't really drink it these days, you know. I just thought with you being on your own at the moment...'

'Oh, did I mention that?' Charlie really can't remember having told Jason that Phil is away.

'You said it yesterday.'

'I'd forgotten.'

Jason sits on the potty as usual. Although Charlie still moves behind the screen while Jason takes off his jeans and nappy, Jason doesn't always wait for him to do that any more. Charlie knows it's nothing but unselfconsciousness, but it is distracting and he'd rather preserve a bit of formality. Still, he doesn't react to it in any way, even in his own mind. The important thing is that Jason can still see him being professional, even though they have actually become quite intimate.

All the same, he notices that Jason is a little tumescent today, which makes it a bit more difficult for him to settle on the potty.

After a silence, in which he's obviously thinking Jason says, 'If it's OK, I think I - I might need to do both today. If that's OK?'

'No problem,' says Charlie, a bit surprised but not displeased. 'Just take your time.'

He kneels down by Jason's side and gently puts his arms under Jason's, ready to give him the all-important squeeze.

But it doesn't work. Jason's able to pee, but he can't poo on the potty.

'No, not happening,' says Jason after much waiting. 'It's too much. I'm not ready.'

'Understood,' says Charlie.

'It's a shame. I'll have to use my nappy later at home. Always a bit gross.'

'Well, there's always another time,' says Charlie. 'And it's your massage appointment tomorrow.'

That night, Charlie opens the packet of nappies from the cupboard, and takes one out and puts it on the table. He doesn't do anything with it at first, just looks at it. Then after he's eaten Jason's pasta with some sauce he had in the cupboard, he tries one on, goes to the bathroom and stands looking at himself in the mirror. It's a little bit exciting; it weirds him out slightly, but not so much as that chatroom conversation had previously. He considers wetting it, but the pasta was salty and he doesn't much need to go. Eventually he just takes it off before he goes to bed and throws it out. It's sort of exciting, but not in a completely comfortable way.

In bed, he visits a few more tumblr blogs.

When Jason shows up the next day he's wearing a Sesame Street t-shirt. 'It's an ironic purchase, OK?' he says, before Charlie has the chance to point it out.

'OK, Jason.' Charlie wasn't going to say anything.

'Also, Elmo is da man, obviously.'

Jason is carrying a bottle of wine, and also some pasta sauce. Charlie protests, but Jason insists he won't do it every time.

'There's three good things about this new job,' says Jason.

'What?'

'Well, I'm going to have more money, so if I feel like getting someone a present, I can.'

'That must feel good.'

'Yeah. Plus of course I can afford the rent on a flat.'

'Have you found one yet?'

'No, still looking. Do you mind me asking what this one costs?'

Charlie considers it, and on reflection doesn't mind, so tells Jason, who says he'd thought it would be more expensive in this area. 'Like, that's actually somewhat in my price range now.'

'Well, there's all the bills too, of course, and the tax.'

'Yeah, I know.'

'Still, it's nice to be a man of means. And what's the third thing?'

'I can afford to come here a bit more often.'

'You want to make more appointments?' Charlie is aware his face might be dropping visibly, although Jason is looking the other way. He hadn't expected this.

'Yeah, in the evenings.'

Charlie tries to think of a reason to refuse this, and pretends he's quite busy and can only manage one night a week most nights, but finally agrees to see Jason once during his first week in his new job.

'Now, before we start with any massage or hypnotherapy, Jason, I just want to recap what you've abreacted so far. You're unusually susceptible to hypnotism.'

'I'm not surprised. Other people in my family are pretty prone to suggestion,' says Jason.

'Right. Do you have any recollection of what you've told me while you were under?'

'Not really.'

So Charlie explains back to Jason the memories he's recounted up to now.

'OK, that's weird,' says Jason, after the tale is told. 'That's really weird.'

'What is?'

'Well, I wondered why I'd started thinking about sucking my thumb lately. Well, I knew you'd mentioned it, but I didn't know we'd done a whole thing on it.'

'You've been thinking about it?'

'Yeah, like, a lot of the time. I've even done it a couple of times, just in my room, when I was on the computer.'

'On purpose?'

'Well, I thought on purpose. It was weird, like a little voice almost just said, you're twenty-three, you're a grown-up. If you're curious about what it feels like to suck your thumb, that's OK.'

'I see,' says Charlie.

'And, I mean, I was embarrassed obviously, that I was thinking that I wanted to, but it was...' Jason hesitates - 'It was actually sort of nice.'

'It can be comforting.'

'I hadn't realised maybe it came out of this. Do you think I'll be able to stop, now it's come out of my head?'

'Of course, Jason.' says Charlie confidently, but privately he's worried. It was definitely not a suggestion he planted with Jason, or intended to plant. What did that say about the therapy? 'I mean,' Charlie continues, not at all sure what he's saying is true, 'it's perhaps a good sign that that's something that's come to the surface rather than being buried in your subconscious.'

'You think?'

'When you're conscious, you should have more control over it, I would hope,' says Charlie.

'But I haven't got any control over the toilet thing. But then, maybe the tickling thing, that last memory, maybe that's not really the root of my toilet phobia. Maybe it's the root of my thumbsucking thing. Which apparently I have. Which is news to me.'

'Maybe.'

'So, the thing is, what happens when we finally do get down to the root of the toilet thing?'

'That's hard to say, Jason, but it's my belief that if we can find that trauma, or that cause of your problem, we might be able to use it so you can move past it.'

'Aren't you a bit worried it might just make me more scared or more....' Jason looks worried now, 'more likely to - I dunno - stop being able to use the toilet altogether. Or lose control or something.'

'That's not what usually happens at all, Jason. Always remember this is something that you are going to be able to control eventually. Does the thought of losing control worry you?'

'A bit. I mean, the last couple of times I've gone under, I've wet myself, sucked my thumb.'

'But that's because they've been what we call somnambulistic experiences. You've acted out what you were telling me about. When you sucked your thumb awake that was something you could choose to try or not to try. And I think it's healthy that you weren't too scared to try it, but that doesn't mean you are stuck with it. When you're conscious, you're conscious. It's different to the hypnotism. It doesn't mean you'd be stuck as a thumbsucker forever.'

'I bet some people suck their thumbs their whole lives.'

'Perhaps. But for you that's a choice.'

'But what about when I am hypnotised? If we dig deeper and I remember something like... pooing myself?'

Jason looks at Charlie very directly for a few seconds, then looks away in embarrassment.

'Do you think that might happen?' says Charlie, cautiously.

'I don't know. I doubt it. But, you know,' Jason is looking at Charlie intently again. 'I mean, what if I start telling you a memory of messing myself and then actually did it?'

'I can see that would be a distressing thing to happen.'

'Uh. Yeah. Bad enough when I know I'm doing it.'

'But if you think that's a real risk, Jason, we don't have to do the hypnotherapy. We don't have to do it at all. It's not something you should feel like you have to do. I'm really happy just to stick with massage and - '

'But if it happened? Here, in this room.' Jason is looking around the room as he says it, almost a bit wonderingly. Charlie thinks he looks like he is imagining the situation vividly. 'You know, I couldn't just go out and leave here, you know, all messy, and go home like that. I couldn't!' Jason's voice is raised, his nostrils flaring.

Charlie isn't sure what to say at first, but then finds himsself telling Jason: 'well, if the worst came to the worst, this is a safe place. There's the bathroom and the shower. There would be a place you could clean up afterwards. I - er, actually, I have some things to hand that might help. I got them in case. Wipes and powder. But, like I say, we don't have to risk it if you don't feel ready.'

Jason looks dubious and nervous again. He's blinking, like he did in those early appointments, when he wasn't sure. 'Could you maybe bring me out before it happens? I mean it wouldn't be fair on you. You've been really good about all this, but I don't want to do that to you.'

'I could certainly try to bring you out if I thought it was going to happen. And like I say, we don't have to go this way,' Charlie says, making sure that Jason has an exit route, and hoping that he takes it. 'In fact maybe it would be better to tackle the problem more directly. With your permission we could work on trying to see if you can sit on the toilet while you somnambulate. That way, if anything like that happened...'

'Sit on the toilet? I'm too scared!' Jason's voice reaches a shout at the end and Charlie inhales sharply despite himself. 'I'm sorry,' says Jason, tring to calm himself down. 'It's just that that's really scary too, almost worse. And anyway, maybe it wouldn't find the beginning thing. The root of the trauma. Would it?'

'It would be a different way to tackle it.'

Jason stops and thinks for a while, and Charlie gives him thinking time.

At last Jason says, 'I think we should do it. Try and find an earlier memory. At least if it does happen I'm dressed right for if it.'

'OK, Jason, and you also have the Sesame Street t-shirt.' Charlie says, and adds, when Jason shoots him a sharp look, 'I mean, maybe that could spark a memory.'

'I just got it yesterday,' Jason says, quickly. 'I don't know why. I'm not that into Sesame Street. I just saw it there in the shop and fancied it. But seriously, if you think I'm going to do... that... count me back out, please.'

'Of course, Jason. I will. I will not let you soil yourself in this room, OK?'

They begin the massage, and the routine. Despite seeming worked up a few moments ago, Jason goes under fairly quickly today, and the thumb, as always, ends up in his mouth, but Charlie's efforts to get him to talk are less successful. He keeps his thumb in his mouth for minutes on end and just replies in indistinct monosyllables to Charlie's attempts to take him earlier than his eleventh birthday.

'OK,' Charlie says at last. 'Perhaps we could communicate in another way. How about if you nod for yes and shake your head for no, Jason?'

Jason, lying on the massage table, nods distinctly.

'Are you afraid to take your thumb out of your mouth, Jason?'

Jason nods.

'Does it make you feel safe?'

Jason nods.

Charlie quietly pulls a chair up to the side of the massage table and sits down, so he's closer to Jason. He wants to keep his voice low, reassuring, and that means getting closer.

'Can you remember a time before your eleventh birthday when you were afraid of toilets?'

Jason nods.

'Were you under three?'

Jason shakes his head.

'Under six?'

Jason nods.

'Were you five?'

Jason hesitates, apparently thinking about it, then nods.

'OK. Did this happen at school?'

Jason nods.

'Was it something that happened just once?'

Jason thinks again, then shakes his head.

'Did it happen a few times?'

Jason nods.

'I see. And was this something that led you to have an accident?'

Jason nods.

'I thought that was possible,' says Charlie, pursuing a theory. 'And did this happen at a particular time?'

This works, Jason half withdraws his thumb from his mouth and mutters, 'Start of Year 1.'

'OK. Tell me some more.'

Jason lies still for a while, but doesn't shake his head. Then, around his thumb, he starts to talk, thickly and slowly, hard to understand.

'I was wewy sy,' he begins, so quietly that Charlie has to lean in closer to make out what he's saying.

'Uh huh? You were shy.' Charlie encourages.

'I didder want to say anyfing. I jus sad at the bag.'

'You sat at the back?'

'Yed. Long way frod the toidet.'

'Because it scared you?'

'I wad cared do ark.'

'You were scared to...?'

'Do ark.'

'To ask. I see. You didn't like the teacher knowing that you needed to go?'

Jason shrugs.

'But you must have been scared to think you might go in your pants, were you?'

Jason nods.

'But that happened anyway?'

'I diddn wad to pud up by had.'

'You didn't want to put up your hand. Why?'

'Ovver people wood doe.'

'The other children would know you needed to go?'

Jason nods.

'And that bothered you?'

Jason nods.

'So you weren't sure what to do?'

Jason shakes his head.

Charlie sits back. This could be it, the root cause.

OK, Charlie tells himself, that means it's time to intervene. Time to try and put this right, instead of just listening to how it went wrong in the past. I've sat here and listened to him talk over and over again about his problem, he's wet himself and sat on the potty and had to undergo the humiliation of nappies. And he's depending on me. What I mustn't do now is to encourage him to to go further into old memories - no matter how tempting that is. It's time to stop letting him regress, like he's been doing. Time to turn him around and push him back toward adulthood. Today, we will prevent an accident, not recreate one.

'Jason, in a moment you're going to find yourself sitting up carefully, feeling relaxed and calm, and you'll reach out and take my arm.'

After a few seconds, Jason starts pulling himself upward and Charlie helps, then gets him to stand on the floor, thumb still in his mouth.

'We're here in your classroom, Jason. Can you see it?'

Jason nods.

'So, thinking back to that time, tell me what you're thinking.'

'I need to go.'

'Yes.'

'But I don't want to ask.'

'Are you sitting down when this happens?'

'Yeah.'

'Come and sit on this chair, then.' Charlie guides Jason to the chair and he sits down, shifting around uncomfortably. 'And can you think now, not about what you did then, but if there could have been a way that you would be able to avoid an accident?'

'I'm not sure.' Jason's thumb is still in his mouth, but he's speaking up and Charlie finds he can understand him clearly. 'I don't want to ask. I keep thinking hard about needing to go and trying to get the teacher to look at me.'

'You try to catch the teacher's eye?'

'Yeah. I try to. Like I try to beam it into his head.'

'Beam what?' asks Charlie.

'To beam that I need to go. Like straight from my head to his without having to say it. I just don't want to put my hand up. I just... I want him to know.'

'So you wish you could have communicated the thought straight to the teacher?'

'Yeah. But he doesn't look up, he doesn't feel me beaming it at him.'

Jason starts jiggling a leg, and Charlie starts to worry that evasive action might be needed soon to avoid disaster.

'Can you think of another way you could make it to the toilet?'

But Jason is shaking his head slowly, side to side, shifting around, squirming almost in the chair.

'What about,' says Charlie, 'if you didn't wait for permission?'

'Mm?'

'How about if you just got up and walked to the toilet?'

Jason continues to shake his head. OK, thinks Charlie, We have to get on with it. His memory's blocking him.

'OK, Jason, let's come away from the classroom for a bit. Let that memory go. Now can you take my arm again?'

Jason does it slowly, reluctantly even, but eventually Charlie gets him to stand up, to walk across to the alcove, to stand at the door of the toilet. Two or three times Jason says, 'but I didn't do this,' and Charlie says 'this is something we're doing now. We're not stuck in the memory,' in his most reassuring voice. His kindly, never-forgotten teacher voice.

And Charlie finds he's playing that role. Up to now he's been the counsellor, the person putting choices in front of Jason the adult, doing his best to maintain Jason's dignity, to stay professional, never to do anything or go anywhere his client even hinted he didn't want to go. Now, the time has come to take a bit more charge, to be just that little bit more assertive. For Jason's own good.

Charlie sees if Jason will open the toilet door by himself, but Jason insists, 'I can't reach,' so Charlie opens it for him.

'Now, Jason, we're going to move into the bathroom, nice and slowly,' Charlie says. 'You're very very safe in here, because nobody saw you come in. And the great thing is that you made it before you had an accident.'

'I'm scared,' says Jason.

'I know you are,' says Charlie, 'I know, but you are safe, and it's OK for you to feel a little bit scared. Even if you're scared, you are very safe in here because I am here and I'm going to make sure you can't come to any harm at all.'

'I don't want to sit on it,' Jason says, and now his usual calm hypnotism voice is changing. There's a whine, a childish intonation.

'Nobody's going to make you,' Charlie says.

'Good,' says Jason, then turns around and moves away from the door.

'Where are you going?' Charlie asks.

Jason doesn't reply but instead opens the cupboard opposite the bathroom door.

'Jason, don't go in the cupboard.' Charlie tries to sound like Jason's teacher. But Jason is moving things, looking through the cupboard. It's not long before he uncovers the pack of nappies and pulls them into his arms.

'This is it. This is them,' Jason says.

Charlie doesn't know what he means. Is he aware of what he's handling?

'What is it you have there?'

'Nappies.'

How did he know they were there? Charlie thinks, frantically, and his heart starts to beat in a panicky rhythm. Would Jason remember this when he woke up? Would he wonder why they were here?

'Yes, they're nappies, Jason.'

Jason is just looking at them holding them in his arms.

'Nappies,' he says.

'Yes, they're nappies, Jason.'

'At school.'

'Those nappies are here, Jason. I don't think you would have found any at school.'

'No. There were nappies. They were there.' Once more Jason's voice has relaxed into the normal hypnotic pattern. He's clinging to the nappies like they're a teddy bear.

'There were nappies in your school?' Charlie asks. I guess it's possible, he thinks.

'For Sami.'

'Who's Sami?'

'He wears them.'

'A boy in your class?'

'Yes.'

'They're for him?'

'Yes.'

Charlie pauses. Could this be it? This could definitely be it.

'How do you feel about that?'

'I don't like him.'

'Because he wears nappies?'

'Yes.'

OK, thinks Charlie, let's just go there. 'Are you jealous of him?' he asks.

There's a long pause. Jason stands stock still, and there's a blush again, travelling up Jason's neck from under his Sesame Street t-shirt. He's gripping the pack of nappies hard, so hard his knuckles go white and his breathing is speeding up.

'Just relax, Jason, nothing bad's happening. Is it because you're jealous of Sami?'

Jason takes a deep breath, the kind a toddler takes before the first bellow of a tantrum. Then he says, 'He doesn't have to go in the toilet by himself. They change him.'

'And you're scared to use the toilet by yourself?'

Jason nods.

'But Sami doesn't have a choice, does he?'

Jason shakes his head.

'He can't use the toilet. But you're a big boy, Jason, aren't you?'

Jason shakes his head.

'You're five. So don't you want to be a big boy?'

Jason nods his head. Then he shakes it. There's another pause. Then Jason, still holding the pack of nappies like a teddy bear, curls his right arm up and plants his thumb in his mouth again.

'Jason,' Charlie says, gently again, not wanting to scare the kid, 'you really want to use the toilet like a big boy, don't you?'

Jason is nodding and shaking his head simultaneously. Another blush travels up his neck.

'Is it that you'd rather use a potty, Jason?'

Jason shakes his head, firmly. Charlie makes another guess.

'Is it that you'd like the teacher to come in and help you so you're not scared?'

Jason nods, vigorously.

Thank god, Charlie thinks. Thank god it's that. OK, then we're there.

'Jason, you're a big boy, so you're not going to have an accident are you?'

Jason shakes his head.

'You don't like messing in your pants, do you?'

Jason shakes his head, less vigorously.

'Good boy. Let's imagine I'm your teacher, Jason. I'm going to know that you need the toilet, and come in with you and help you. Will that be good?'

Jason nods.

Fantastic, Charlie thinks. This must be it.

'OK, Jason, let me take those nappies.'

Jason hands them over.

'And take my hand. You can carry on sucking your thumb if you like.'

Jason mildly, compliantly takes Charlie's hand and Charlie leads him a few steps into the bathroom.

'OK, Jason, here we are. I'm just going to lift the toilet lid and we'll get you sorted.'

He lifts it. Jason is hanging back a bit, and there's a slight tremble that Charlie can feel through his hand.

'Do you want to undo your trousers, Jason?'

Charlie has to help him, but soon the cargo pants are around Jason's ankles. Jason's nappy is still on.

'OK, we're going to be careful you don't trip up. Come forward a bit.'

Jason shuffles forward and stands just in front of the toilet.

'There, you've done really well, Jason. I'm going to keep holding your hand as you sit down and then we'll take off your pants.'

Jason, now trembling more, turns around slowly and after a couple of false starts, sits down on the toilet. Charlie feels an enormous sense of pride, much more than he ever has with any other client. He looks at Jason, finally managing to face up to his fear after months and feels a great sense of pride and, yes, even love for his client. And happiness that he managed to see Jason through it.

'Wow. What a good boy, Jason. You're a really good, grown up boy sitting on the toilet like that. It's OK if you're a bit scared,' he adds, feeling the trembling intensifying from Jason's hand to his, and putting a reassuring hand on his other shoulder.

Jason sits, silently, pensive, not smiling when Charlie praises him, but all the same, sitting on the toilet, sucking his thumb.

'OK, Jason, we're almost ready. I'm not going to go anywhere. The next thing we just need to do is get your pants off. Do you want me to help you?'

Jason suddenly and decisively shakes his head.

'You want to do it yourself? Brave boy. It's much better using the big boy toilet than making a dirty mess in your pants, isn't it?'

There's a pause.

Then Jason shakes his head, slowly. Charlie stares at him.

Then, to Charlie's horror, too fast to stop him, Jason does exactly what Charlie was trying to prevent.


	10. Head

Charlie doesn't sleep that night. He's thinking over and over and over about what he could have done differently.

All he can keep thinking is that a client of his, a client who trusted him, ended up soiling himself while under his care, something Charlie had promised to prevent.

And that was bad enough but it wasn't the worst part.

As soon as he'd realised what Jason was doing, Charlie had frozen, unsure what to do. Jason's face, normally relaxed under hypnosis, was contorted, effortful. It must be, Charlie thought, the expression he had that time at school when he had the accident. Poor little guy.

And then there'd been a silence. Charlie didn't know what to say, and Jason just sat on the toilet, holding on to Charlie's hand, his breathing gradually returning to normal, the occasional crinkle from the nappy as on top of the messy accident, he wet it too.

And then after a few seconds his face returned to a neutral expression too, his thumb remained in his mouth.

Charlie couldn't believe it. He'd been convinced that Jason would wake himself up, but he was still completely under.

'Jason, are you OK?' he asked.

Jason shook his head.

'What have you done, Jason?'

Jason didn't say anything, but his face once again crumpled and tears ran down his cheeks, and his breathing became ragged.

'Oh, Jason. Is this what happened to you when you were five?'

Jason nodded.

'And did the teacher notice?'

Jason shook his head.

'Did the other kids?'

Jason nodded.

'You had to go home like this, in messy pants?'

Jason nodded, and for the first time, Charlie caught the smell.

It was then that Charlie had had the bad idea. What's the best thing to do? he'd thought.

The right thing to do, he reasoned, would be to take Jason back to the massage table, count him back in and wake him up. But then there would be the consequences of Jason waking up dirty, having to try and sort himself out in Charlie's bathroom, get showered and changed. OK, Jason had done this before, but he'd said how afraid he was of it happening here.

And other things would follow: it would be clear that the treatment was failing; Charlie would have to admit to Jason that he wasn't any kind of healer, that he no longer believed in his own methods, that he wasn't even a suitable person to treat this particular disorder and that Jason needed to get out while he could and see someone else, no matter how attached they were.

He wanted to do that. He really did, but Charlie could see the disappointment and resentment Jason would have in his eyes. He could just see it.

It would bring to an abrupt halt Jason's trust in him. Jason would have to start all over again, expensively tackling his problem without access to the one place he seemed to feel comfortable talking about it.

But there it is, Charlie thought. It just has to end here. There isn't an alternative, is there?

But then, as he looked at Jason peacefully thumbsucking, oblivious to what he'd just done in his pants, a terrible inner voice said to Charlie, yes, yes there is an alternative, and Charlie, instead of shutting it down, listened to it.

'Jason,' he said, stroking Jason's shoulder. 'Jason, I just need you to sit and relax for a few moments while I take off your trousers.'

Jason co-operated, lifting each leg in turn so Charlie could drag his cargo pants off. Then, docile, he took Charlie's hand as Charlie led him back to the massage table and laid him down carefully on top of the towels. Charlie had gone to the cupboard opposite the bathroom door, retrieved the pack of nappies and some other items then returned with them to the massage table.

'OK, Jason, you've had a bit of an accident, haven't you?'

Jason nodded.

'It's going to be taken care of, Jason, and you won't remember it. Would you like that?'

Jason nodded again.

'Good boy. Lift up for me so I can get this mat under you.'

And Charlie, working as gently as he could, had slid the mat under Jason, had got out the wipes, untabbed Jason's nappy and cleaned him up, taken the nappy away, all the while talking to Jason soothingly, a little rapidly because of his nerves and because Jason seemed to be getting tumescent as he worked, but all the time keeping Jason under, keeping him safe from the knowledge of what was being done, and what he had done.

It took a while. Charlie had never had to do this before, although he had watched videos of it being done, so largely he worked by instinct. Fortunately, nothing went wrong. Soon Jason was clean, powdered and tabbed into a fresh nappy from Charlie's stock. All the while he kept his thumb stuck in his mouth and watched Charlie at work, not really seeing or reacting to what was happening.

And, once it was done and the dirty nappy bagged up, Charlie got Jason back into his cargo pants and tucked him under another towel, and quietly opened a window to clear the air. Twenty minutes later he brought Jason round, encouraging him to forget everything from the session, as naturally and gently as he always did.

Jason had blinked and looked around him as he woke. 'What happened?' His hand had nervously gone to his bottom, presumably checking that his worst fear hadn't come true.

'Nothing, Jason, it was fine. I think we really got somewhere this time.'

'Did we?'

'Yes.'

'What did I do?'

'Well, you actually sat on the toilet, believe it or not.'

'Really?'

'Yes, really.'

'Did I use it?'

'You actually voided your bowels and bladder. Just like that.'

'Wow. That's kind of a...' Jason swung down from the massage table and leapt lithely off it. 'That's amazing!'

He's over the moon, Charlie thought. He believes he managed it. He thinks I achieved that for him.

'You're... wow. I'm so pleased!' Jason was beaming again from ear to ear, like he did when he first managed to pee in the potty. 'Charlie you're brilliant!'

And he had leapt forward into Charlie's arms, hugging him tightly, and didn't let go for a long time.

'The credit's all yours, Jason, really,' Charlie said, smiling as best he could. 'I was just in the room when it happened.'

Jason had wanted to pay extra for the session, but Charlie had insisted he mustn't. In fact, the session was not going to be charged at all.

'Well, I'll buy you another bottle of wine, or something, then.'

'No, it's really OK.'

Jason thought, 'so, you think I'm cured? I should try going into a toilet now?'

'Well, I don't think you should do anything in a hurry, Jason,' Charlie was alarmed. 'But I guess you can certainly try.'

'OK. Well, let's see. Maybe I'll try at work this week.'

'Wherever's comfortable. Perhaps try here first, before work. Give yourself time.'

'I'm just so happy. I can't believe it. Listen, I'd love to buy you a drink, just to say thanks.'

'It's OK, Jason, let's see how things pan out, shall we?'

'Please, just one drink, on the pub at the corner.'

And, as always, Charlie had agreed. They'd gone to the pub on the corner, and Jason had kept saying how grateful he was. Charlie had had to parry so many compliments on his healing skill that he almost got up and left a couple of times.

'You must have a lot of clients,' Jason had said.

'A few,' Charlie said, hoping Jason would interpret it as modesty rather than a plain truth.

'Mostly massage?'

'Yeah.'

'You must be very popular for that.'

'Why do you say that?'

'I meant probably popular with women.'

'It tends to be women more often.'

'Yeah, you should put your picture on your website. It couldn't hurt that you're a handsome guy for thirty.'

Charlie was a bit startled to be flirted with, but couldn't possibly flirt back. 'Er, thanks. I'm a little over thirty.'

He'd made sure he made it clear at that point that he couldn't stay out much longer. That prompted Jason to get up and go and try the toilet but he had come back looking perplexed.

'I dunno. I'm not sure about this one. It's really busy.'

'It's OK, Jason,' Charlie said. 'Maybe that's not the best place to start.'

Charlie normally enjoyed looking into Jason's eyes, but that night he wanted to look anywhere else but at Jason. It wasn't because Jason had flirted, it was because Jason had no idea how far Charlie had crossed the line. He felt terrible.

When he'd returned to the flat there were two emails from both his remaining other clients, cancelling their next appointments, each without giving a new date and one from Phil asking not how he was, but saying what an enlightening time he was having on the retreat and how was Charlie getting on with acquiring new clients and it looked like the website wasn't updated yet.

Charlie paces round his consulting room, looking at the drawers of supplements, the books and the stupid motivational and calming posters on the walls. There are four bills relating to the flat sitting on the desk. Charlie knows there are more in the drawers that he's not sorted yet. Something has to change.

I'm not a healer, he thinks. I'm just not a healer. I can't be trusted to be one. I probably never was.

Phil seems to do it, but it's at least half about deserving people's confidence, giving them attention. If they feel looked after they don't always look as closely at the physical results you're getting.

To heal someone, Charlie thinks, you have to mean it, sure. And I've never wished anyone well they way I do with Jason. But that seems to be dragging him further away from a cure. Meaning to help isn't enough. You've got to know what you're doing, where you're leading people.

You've got to be honest with them too.

All I've done is drag him into his bad memories and left him stuck in them. It's my own issues; my hang-ups. They've stopped me dealing effectively with the one case I really understood. It's like there's a part of me that just wants him to depend on me, to wet himself, to suck his thumb, to regress. What would he think if he knew that? I should have realised that from the beginning.

And I've become a drag on Phil. I need to reduce that.

At two in the morning, Charlie completes an online form with an estate agent, and has written to his landlord to give notice on the flat.

He's also prepared another draft email for Jason, in case he can't manage to take the bull by the horns the next time he sees him.

He was hoping for a feeling of liberation once he made these decisions, but he doesn't really. Because he can't sleep he cleans the bathroom, then starts moving some of the books into the back bedroom and piling them up ready to put in boxes. He takes down a few of the posters too.

At four in the morning he writes a job application to a local health food shop. Might as well, he thinks. It beats going back to teaching.

 

* * * *

 

Now the weekend arrives, leading up to Jason's new job on Monday.

Charlie sleeps in Saturday morning and when his phone rings and it's Jason he doesn't answer it the first time, or the second, but this seems cruel on top of everything else. When he answers Jason says 'I need to come over. I really need to.'

'OK, Jason, when will you be here?' Charlie figures it's the least he can do for the young man.

'Did you want to try to be on your own with the potty this time?' Charlie asks, once Jason has taken off his nappy - which seems to land with a thud - and settled himself down.

'Er... next time?' Jason says. looking up into Charlie's eyes. 'The thing is, I'm not expecting miracles. I mean, I'm a bit nervous about the job.'

'OK,' said Charlie.

'I reckon I'll try the toilet at my next appointment.'

'OK. So did you notice any difference after our session?'

'Er, yeah, kind of. But not completely what I expected. I mean, like I say, I didn't expect a miracle or anything. But anyway, I still can't really use the toilet at home.'

'I see.'

'I wet overnight, so that hasn't changed either.'

'Right.'

'And, to be honest, I haven't managed the potty at home either.'

'Mm.'

'It's a bit of a shame, but maybe I'll feel a lot better about it all when I have my own flat and I'm out of there. Maybe it's just an ingrained habit. You know.'

'Perhaps.'

'The funny thing is, there's something else now. I only noticed it last night.'

'What's that?'

'Well, I haven't tested it yet to see if it's every time, but... well, I noticed that in my room the other night, I was sitting at my desk and I needed to go. So I thought, OK, well, let's try for the toilet, but that was too ambitious. I just stood at the bottom of the stairs for ages, just looking up in that direction but I couldn't move up.

'And so I think, OK, well, let's maybe try the potty but again, I can get it out and put it on the floor, but, well, the idea of sitting down on it - that's like even scarier than before. I can't explain it, It felt like if I sat down I'd feel all faint. And then I did feel a bit faint.

'So that was no good, but anyway, I got my trousers off at least, so I could try and take my nappy off, but then I had a weird idea that I was going to start weeing on the floor if I took it off, like there wouldn't be time to get it off and sit down.

'So then I just managed to sit on the potty, with the nappy on, because I thought well if I lose control before I sit down, doesn't matter, it's going in the nappy anyway. It's no worse than if I did it standing up, so that got me past that part.

'But then, I couldn't undo the tabs.'

Charlie, holding Jason around his shoulders, looks down at the top of Jason's head. 'You couldn't undo them?'

'No. It was like they were glued shut, which obviously I knew they weren't, but I was struggling with them, but my hands were all weak and sliding off them. And suddenly I realised, it was sort of like I didn't know how. I didn't know how to get out of my nappy. Like, I needed to ask someone for help.'

'You managed it just now.'

'Yes, I did. I seem to be OK when I'm here, as usual. But this was weird. It was almost a bit like a dream or something. I hadn't really been drinking. I just heard myself saying, I can't do this by myself. I actually said that out loud. I said it two or three times.'

'So what did you do?' Charlie asks.

'Well, I just sat there a while, just sitting on the potty in the nappy, and I actually didn't know what to do. And then, I thought about the other thing again.'

'What other thing?'

'The thumbsucking thing, and I thought, maybe if I thumbsuck when I'm asleep, maybe that's part of what helps me get wet then. I don't know, it was just a stupid random idea.'

'And you tried sucking your thumb?'

'Yeah. And it worked.'

'What happened?'

'I just started going, in the nappy, almost as soon as my thumb was in.'

'And has this happened again? Have you tried it without the nappy on?'

'Not yet.'

'How did you get your nappy off after you wet it?'

'That's what I'm saying,' Jason says. 'I didn't. I've only just taken it off here, just now. I felt able to do that here, but not at home. I wore it to bed last night and leaked a bit this morning, but I still didn't feel like I could take it off, so I just had to get into dry trousers and hold it on the bus. That's why I really needed to come over. I sort of knew I'd manage it here with you.'

Jason isn't crying. He's trembling but talking with focus.

'And nothing else has changed, that you're aware of?'

'No. I did everything else the same. I went home, I did some internet, this morning I - er - I jerked off like normal.'

'You were able to get the nappy open for that?'

'No, not really. I just, you know, I just was sort of humping a pillow, in the nappy. I sometimes used to to do it that way. I shot and everything.'

'In the nappy?'

'Yeah. But even after that I just couldn't take it off by myself, so that was kind of gross.'

'I see. And are you having difficulty now starting to pee on this potty?'

'It's not coming yet. I think maybe - maybe I need to try a thumbsuck, if it's OK.'

'Well, if it helps you, Jason.'

'I'm really sorry about this,' says Jason.

'It's completely OK.'

'After you tried so hard and got things moving the right direction. I feel like I'm totally letting you down, but I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to do it any other way.'

Now there's emotion in his voice, but it seems controlled. He's not about to go over the edge.

'It's completely OK, Jason, let's see if it works.'

Jason leans back against Charlie's body and brings his thumb to his mouth and begins to suck. Charlie can't help himself, he rests his hand on Jason's head and very gently, slowly strokes Jason's hair. He doesn't kid himself any more that it's a healing action.

And, seconds later, the dribble starts and Jason fills the potty, his body relaxing back into Charlie's as he does it. Charlie has to brace Jason upright.

'Well done.'

'Fanks.'

'Jason, would you like a shower, as you didn't get a chance to have one at home?'

'Yeff.'

Jason gets up and pads through to the bathroom, still with his thumb stuck in his mouth. Charlie calls after him, 'I'll get you another nappy to change into.' Fighting the urge to stay and help Jason shower, he closes the door firmly and lays out a nappy on the massage table for Jason's return.

Jason comes back out in just a towel and Charlie indicates the nappy and walks out of the room, not wanting to stay for the rest of the show. After a while, Jason, decently dressed, comes and knocks on the bedroom door where Charlie's waiting.

'OK, I'm all done.'

'Jason,' Charlie says, opening it, 'I'm a little concerned. Can we talk a minute in the consulting room?'

'OK, me too, actually,' says Jason. They walk back to the consulting room.

'You've taken some of your posters down,' Jason says, looking around the room, no longer distracted by a full bladder.

'Yes, I have,' Charlie says. 'And the books.'

A few moments pass before the penny drops for Jason, and Charlie sees his eyes widen in alarm.

'You're moving out!'

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'It's a business decision.'

'No!'

'I decided last night, I'm afraid.'

'No, you can't do that!'

'I'm afraid that financially, I have to.'

'It's not fair. There's nowhere else I can go. Literally. Except in my fucking pants! Why? Why are you moving?'

Jason's voice wobbles up the register and he's transformed from the reasonable, circumspect young man that first came into Charlie's office. His voice is a distressed whine.

'Don't move,' he begs. 'Please, don't. This really is the only place I can... I can... even try to be normal. Everywhere else I have to do what you said... you know, fake it till you make it. Well, I'm faking it all the time, walking round pretending I'm grownup. This is the ony place where someone understands what's happening to me. It really is.'

'I'm so sorry, Jason, I really think that... well, perhaps I've led you astray.'

'No, you haven't! You haven't! You're perfect. You've looked after me. That's all I need, to be looked after. Why would you want to stop doing that? Why?'

Jason stands up and for a moment seems to be looking for something to throw. Charlie's not dealt with a tantrum for many years, and not with someone of Jason's size. For a moment Jason's wild gaze seems to rest on him and he stands up and backs off, afraid that Jason might even hit him, but Jason instead runs from the room, into Charlie's bedroom.

'Jason, that's a private area,' Charlie says, following him. 'That's not for clients.'

'Leave me alone!!' Jason yells. 'You don't care!' and slams the door.

Charlie knocks. 'Jason...'

'Go away.'

'I can't go away, Jason, this is my flat. For now.' Charlie drops his voice to a calmer tone, the persuasive one. 'Jason, will you let me in so I can explain to you?'

It takes a little while and for a few minutes Charlie is forced to continue the negotiations through the door, but soon enough, the handle goes down and Jason emerges, tearstained and red-eyed, and consents to come to the consulting room and sit down to talk.

'There's still a few weeks to go,' Charlie says.

'OK, so will you work with me until then? You're not moving out of town, are you?'

'No. But I wonder, Jason, if these sessions are delivering the results you need. I have been wondering that for a while.'

'They're all I've got. You've got to help me. I can't go round at work having to suck my thumb every time I need a waz. Or jerking off in my own pee. I need to keep coming here now just so I don't bust my bladder. Can I come back later this afternoon and try again or get changed?'

'Yes, OK, Jason, if you want.'

'And can we try just one more hypnotherapy. I know I can break through if you just give me a chance.'

'One last session?' Charlie asks. 'If there's one last session, just for completeness, do you think after that we could make an arrangement for you to see someone else?'

'Yeah, please,' says Jason, smiling nervously at Charlie. 'I just need one more chance. Please.'


	11. Arms

Jason visits a few more times that weekend, just to change a nappy and shower each time. Charlie helps as best he can. He also lets Jason know he is looking into a possible other therapist for him, so he can be referred. In truth, Charlie doesn't know where to refer Jason. For one thing, Jason's problem is a specialist matter and for another, he finds himself getting nervous about what Jason might tell another therapist - under hypnosis or otherwise - about the sessions they've had.

All the same, it has to be done, and there's still a week in which he can sort everything out before Phil gets back, so Phil knows the flat won't need paying for any more.

Charlie still spends his nights there. It was home before Phil and he's going to miss it, but a flat without a domestic arrangement or a purpose is really just an empty space, he tells himself. It'll save money and perhaps it's best for me to let go of the past. It only seems to cause difficulties.

And there's one encouraging sign. Jason doesn't seem bothered any more about going into the bathroom, even if he skirts around the toilet whenever he goes there.

They make an arrangement that Jason can call in to use the potty or change himself in his first week at the new job. Or, of course, to attempt to use the toilet. Then the final therapy session will take place on the following Saturday afternoon, so there's lots of time for it.

Meanwhile, that weekend, Jason thumbsucks each time he uses the potty. He tries to do it without, but it's no use. Charlie encourages him to try to manage on his own, to trigger himself with the thumbsucking without Charlie in the room, but that doesn't work either.

'I suppose a major concern is how you're going to get changed at home, if this issue of not being able to undo your nappy happens again,' Charlie said on the Saturday.

Jason promised to try it out that night and see if it was still a problem.

'Yeah, it was,' he reports on Sunday morning, after showing up at Charlie's flat in a bulging nappy. 'I tried sucking my thumb, stroking my head like you do, talking to myself, saying I was being a daft sod. Nothing. Couldn't get my hands to do it.'

'That's a real problem, then,' says Charlie, brow furrowed. 'What sort of solution can you imagine?'

'Well, I can't ask my flatmates to help. That's for sure. Or the people at work.'

'No.'

'I mean, I've worked out that if I put extra layers on the outside I can manage leaks, but basically if I leave here after the afternoon and then have to be stuck in the same nappy until the morning when I can get here, that's going to be awkward.'

'Yes, clearly.'

'I mean, I can hold number twos for longer, luckily. Otherwise I'd have to get on the bus messy. I don't think it would be a case of fake it till you make it then. People would know exactly what I'd done. Just have to hope I don't get the runs. Mustn't overeat either.'

That old phrase of his sticks in Charlie's mind for the rest of Sunday morning. He used to say it all the time to the cryers in his classroom. Fake it. Be brave, and if you can't be brave, then do your best to look brave, he'd said - all the time.

How weird that I'm still following my own advice, he thinks. Jason's running out of options and so am I. Yet, here I am still doing the bedside manner, putting on the reassuring voice because that's what he needs. Even though he's getting worse and in a week, this will all be over and we've no idea what he'll do then.

And finally, Charlie glumly reflects, he'll know exactly what a fake I've been. He must know it now. Why hasn't he gone somewhere else?

'Well, Jason, I'm sure we can work something around your needs for the moment. I can let you come to the flat a few times per day in your first week at work so you can get through that. Hopefully we can at least get around the issue of you being stuck in your nappy in that time. Let's focus on that.'

'I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need it.' says Jason.

'You can use the shower as well, of course,' says Charlie, 'and as you know there's some spare nappies here too for emergencies.'

Jason visits four times on the Sunday. The first three times he comes in, goes behind the screen and manages to remove his nappy. The third time, though, there's a delay and Charlie hears Jason pep-talking himself, 'Come on, Jase. Come on.'

Late on Sunday afternoon an email arrives from Phil.

'What's going on? The website STILL not fixed. It's really hard for me to do any networking here bcos info not up to date. I know you're not busy... It reflects on both of us you know. I have met a guy who does quantum energy healing and has got quite a big established business. Could put clients our/your way. He is pretty cool actually. Might ask him down for dinner when i'm back. Love you x'

Another faker making it, thinks Charlie, and then is suddenly struck by a strange thought he hasn't had before, and instead of meditating thinks about it all afternoon, wandering from room to room and staring thoughtfully at different places: the massage table, the toilet, the box of tissues and finally, for a long time, Jason's potty.

And then, as the afternoon turns to evening, Jason comes back for a final potty trip. It's not clear if Jason detects it, but there's new, more confident tone in Charlie's voice, to replace the resigned one he'd started to use lately.

'Have you been OK this afternoon?' Charlie asks him.

'Yeah, bit nervous about tomorrow.'

'Understandably. A new job's always a bit nerve-wracking under normal circumstances.'

'I put functional incontinence on the disability part of the application, so they know all about that, it won't be a problem, I don't think.'

'No, they would have to treat you the same as anyone else.'

'But I'm still nervous anyway.'

'I think you're going to be fine. You're a very smart, capable young man.'

'Yeah, I totally know. Not really. Argh. I'm OK, aren't I?' Jason says, distractedly. 'Sorry, I had a Coke with my dinner, which was a bit stupid. I'm busting now.'

'Never mind, you're here now. Can I take your coat?'

Charlie helps Jason take it off, then Jason goes behind the screen takes down his trousers and pep-talks himself vigorously. Charlie sits down and waits for his cue.

But Jason isn't taking off his nappy and he's swearing under his breath. 'Come on, Jase. Come the fuck on, boy. Don't do this.'

Charlie lets it go on for a little while but he's quite certain what will happen next. And it does. Jason finally clears his throat and says, 'er, I don't seem to be able to... not this time.'

'What's up?' Charlie says, getting to his feet.

'Do you think you could.... help?' Jason says.

'OK, Jason,' Charlie says and obediently moves the screen aside.

The nights have been drawing in lately, and the evening outside is darkening. Not too much light is making it through the window of the flat, and Charlie, after reading Phil's email and walking round the flat thinking, had just sat in the dark with his laptop for the last hour, browsing some tumblr blogs while waiting for Jason to arrive.

He knew this would happen, gently reaches out and takes hold of the tabs of Jason's nappy, pulling them loose. He catches the nappy as it falls, and puts it aside. Then he gently shepherds Jason to the potty and supports him as he sits down.

'You're going to be fine tomorrow, Jason. You really are.'

'Am I?'

'Yes, you'll be fine at work, I think. This won't be an issue there. You can call in whenever you want. Just give me a shout on the phone. I'm not going out.'

'OK. So long as I'm not a nuisance.'

'No.'

'Excuse me while I turn the tap on,' Jason jokes, and gives a weak grin, into which he inserts his thumb.

'Do whatever it takes, Jason.'

Jason leans back on Charlie as he urinates. He leans back a bit far at one point and a bit of pee splashes on the floor. He colours up but doesn't say anything.

'Doesn't matter, Jason,' Charlie says, and as Jason finishes up Charlie reaches behind him for the nappy he'd put ready on the massage table. Jason gets off the potty, stands, takes the nappy and puts it on, a bit clumsily, without worrying about stepping away from Charlie or hiding himself.

Charlie does his best to keep it vaguely professional at least and looks away. Clearly they were well beyond the point where Charlie was just an interested observer, but when Jason asks him if he fancies a drink Charlie tells Jason that he'd better go home and get to bed early ready for his first day at work. Jason seems discomfited by the refusal, but Charlie is, unusually, firm.

'Are you OK? You're not angry with me, are you?'

'No, Jason, of course not,' but Charlie's voice is a bit more tense than previously. 'I just think that you shouldn't overstimulate your bladder.'

'No, of course, you're right,' Jason says, suddenly looking a bit unsure of himself. He flicks his smile on to try and get one back from Charlie, but he doesn't.

Charlie spends the rest of the evening researching online, with a increasingly grim expression, pursuing the same thought he'd had that afternoon.

On Monday morning Jason shows up early, 7am, with last night's nappy still on, very heavy. He's wearing his cargo pants, and has leaked a bit on the journey in. His suit trousers are in a bag. He's very keyed up and nervous.

Again Charlie has to help him remove his nappy, while Jason sits on the edge of the massage table, blushing hard. As he takes it off, Charlie realises why Jason's red. There's come stuck to the inside of his nappy. Charlie instinctively pulls his hands back at first and Jason notices. There's no point in pressing Jason for an explanation. He must have had a wet dream.

He guides Jason to the potty and Jason manages a couple of splashes, but is too tense to do more. The clock ticks on.

Charlie tells Jason to go and get in the shower and see if he can pee in there. Jason seems a bit surprised at how short, impatient Charlie's voice is. Charlie hadn't meant to sound scolding, but it's hard to avoid sometimes, when there isn't much time. Jason looks ashamed, scared even, as he goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, now changed into his suit, nappy underneath. Charlie is calmer and takes Jason's pulse. It's high.

'I think you're going to be fine at work today.'

'Really? All I keep thinking of is that I might walk in and the first thing I'll do is dump in my pants.'

'I'm pretty sure that won't happen, Jason.' Charlie, for once, is sure about this. 'I don't think you should underestimate your ability to put on a brave face, Jason.'

'Fake it till you make it?'

'Exactly, Jason. I know you can. Now, you'd best get going so you can be early.'

Ready for any further spillage, Charlie has discreetly put an absorbent mat underneath the potty. That comes in handy at lunchtime when Jason darts in quickly and is really busting to go. 'They gave me a cup of coffee. I was too polite to say no,' he explains, before peeing so much that he overflows the potty, making a big puddle on the mat and wetting his bottom.

Charlie cleans up while Jason has a speedy shower before running back to the office, changed and dry.

'Is it going well, though?' Charlie just about has time to ask.

'Yeah, actually it's great,' says Jason, giving Jason one of his happier smiles.

And the quick trips go on through the week, just five or ten minutes each time, or twenty if Jason needs a shower. But there's no improvement in the symptoms. Each time Jason needs Charlie to untab him, and each time he has to thumbsuck and have Charlie's arms around him before he can pee in the potty.

On Tuesday morning, it's exactly that routine. They're short of time before Jason needs to be in work and as soon as he's finished he springs off the potty, grabs a fresh nappy from Charlie, puts it on quickly and then his suit.

Charlie's gone to the bathroom with the old nappy, when Jason calls him from the consulting room.

'Could you help me?'

Charlie comes back and Jason is sitting on a chair, dressed for work with his shoes on. But he's staring in puzzlement at the laces, and hasn't done them up yet.

'What is it?'

'I - uh - I keep getting them tangled up.'

'Your laces?'

'Yes. They just won't go.'

'You can't tie them?'

'I'm doing what I normally do, but...'

'Can I see?'

And Jason tries again, but he can't do it. His fingers fumble, the way they do with his nappy tabs.

'See, I'm trying to turn it round and pull it back through the hole, but... no, it's gone again.'

Jason looks up in wide-eyed confusion at Charlie and Charlie looks back at him. 'Try once more, Jason.'

But when Jason tries again, and the time after that, he can't get it done, so Charlie obligingly kneels down and ties his laces for him and he dashes out of the door, running to be on time. He keeps his shoes on when he returns at lunchtime, and in any case he doesn't need the potty, having wet on the walk from the office. Charlie just hands him a new nappy and the powder and wipes, and once he's changed and Jason's eating his sandwich, Charlie checks how the job is going, which seems to be fine. The conversation is cut short, though, when Jason drops his sandwich on his work trousers and Charlie has to grab a sponge so he can clean it up.

Then when he comes round after work on Tuesday evening, Jason has to tell Charlie he has a full bowel, and although Charlie's happy to try and help him use the potty, he can't do it, thumbsucking or no thumbsucking.

'I'm sorry. I think I might have to go in the bathroom and sort it out there,' says Jason after a few minutes on the potty in Charlie's arms.

'OK.'

'But I'm still going to need help.'

'What kind?'

'Could you come with me? And just hold me, please?' Jason asks.

Charlie follows Jason uncomplainingly into the bathroom and, after Jason squats down by the bath, Charlie moves in and cuddles him from the side, stroking his back as Jason screws up his eyes, thumb in mouth, trying deliberately to fill his nappy.

And after a little while, he does.

Charlie helps Jason get his nappy untabbed, and as he does so realises Jason's erect, and blushing redder than he ever has before. Charlie hands over a towel and a bag for the nappy and leaves Jason to the aftermath and the shower.

When Jason's changed into doubled up nappies with an extra stuffer and is ready to go home, Charlie ties his laces loosely so that he can undo the knots easily when he gets home, and helps him put on his coat, walking him down the bus stop.

'This is a lifesaver, what you're doing. It really is,' Jason says. 'I'm definitely going to have a go at the toilet tonight at home, somehow. I know I can do it.'

'I'm sure you can,' says Charlie, giving Jason an encouraging smile, but doubting this will happen.

And his prediction is correct. On Wednesday morning, Jason is still in the same nappy. The plastic pants that Jason ordered arrived yesterday, so that makes it easier to deal with the leaks and holding in the extra padding. To Charlie's relief the nappy is free of semen. All the same, Jason is semi-erect as he sits down on the potty, which makes it difficult to pee into it. And then just as he starts to manage it, he sneezes, which makes his penis pop out and start peeing over the edge of potty on to the mat, and his legs a little bit. He also gets snot on his hand and upper lip where he's sucking his thumb.

With his one spare hand, Jason manages to tuck his penis back in to the potty so he can finish peeing, but there's a trail of snot under his nose.

'I've got pee on my hand,' he says, looking round at Charlie.

'It's OK. I can see,' Charlie says. He grabs a tissue from his desk and instead of handing it to Jason, gets it to Jason's top lip to arrest the drip, then holds another to Jason's nose so Jason can blow once, twice, a third time.

Charlie helps Jason clean off his hands with a wet wipe. And then he helps Jason up off the potty, reminds him to go get dressed.

Once Jason's dressed for work it becomes clear that he's no longer able to tie his own shoes at all. He'd arrived with them untied. Charlie handles that.

Wednesday lunchtime, Jason brings a bit of lunch to the flat so he can fit everything into his lunch break. It's a tin of spaghetti hoops. Charlie insists it's no trouble to heat it up while Jason's in the shower and changing. He's moved the TV in to the consulting room for Jason to watch while he finshes off the toast to go with it. Then he sits down and watches Jason eat it, thoughtfully suggesting Jason should put a napkin on his lap in case of any spillage. Jason pees in the potty before he goes, but it takes a lot of soothing backrubs from Charlie this time.

It turns out to be the last time he manages it. Wednesday evening, Jason tries for minutes and minutes on end to use the potty, but in the end he can only manage when Charlie lets him get into a new nappy, and even then he still needs Charlie to hold him tight. Charlie talks to Jason about the concept of transference objects and suggests Jason might try to use one. Jason goes away with a teddy bear to try and use at home, where Charlie can't hug him. Work is still going fine for Jason, but he's becoming a bit less talkative on the subject. Jason leaves his work shoes at the flat and goes home in a pair of velcro sneakers he bought on the way.

On Thursday morning, Jason comes earlier so that he can have breakfast at Charlie's. It's lucky he's there because almost immediately after starting he drops egg on his work suit, and Charlie has to sponge it off. He tries again and gets egg on his chin, dripping off it. They laugh about it and Charlie improvises a bib for Jason out of an old massage towel. Jason doesn't do a lot better from that point onward, and gets quite a lot of breakfast on the towel. Charlie tells Jason there's probably something neurological there that his next therapist will be able to help with. It's probably just a temporary blip like the one with his shoes. Charlie ties Jason's shoes and sends him to work, then goes shopping.

Thursday lunchtime Charlie makes fishfingers and beans and suggests Jason should take off his work trousers and shirt and put on one of Charlie's t-shirts for the meal. It takes a bit of help, but it's just as well. Charlie ends up having to wipe Jason's tomato sauce-covered chin, because Jason keeps trying to wipe it but misses most of it. Maybe I really do need a bib, Jason says, sort of laughing, but less than yesterday. And then Jason manages to knock over his cup of lemonade all over the table. Work is still going well. Jason's getting on fine there. He can type and everything when he's there. He's even tried walking into the gents' toilet. Not too bad. He has no problem doing the tasks.

Charlie suggests a shopping list of things that Jason should bring along later.

Thursday evening, after Charlie's untied his shoes, Jason changes out of his work clothes and puts his bib on before they start tea. He eats his fish and potatoes, but seems reluctant to eat the spinach, and anyway, it keeps slipping off his fork. Charlie supportively helps him lift it to his mouth and get the spinach in. That ends up a bit messy, so after a while, Charlie just picks up the fork and feeds Jason the spinach. He knocks over his drink again, but it doesn't matter because it's in the sippy cup that Charlie suggested he buy after lunch. That's a relief for both of them and Jason drinks his drink while Charlie cleans his chin with the edge of the bib.

'I'm becoming a bit of a baby, aren't I?' Jason says, smiling, like it's a private joke between them.

'Never mind, Jason,' says Charlie. 'Whatever helps with your problem.'

Jason tells Charlie he thinks he might number two tonight. Rather than make a big performance out of it, they just both sit on the sofa watching TV, with Charlie's arm thrown around Jason's shoulders, Jason sucking his thumb, and after an hour or so nature takes its course. Charlie takes Jason to the bathroom, untabs his nappy for him then Jason cleans himself up and gets into a new nappy, although he puts it on crooked and Charlie has to adjust it for him. It's late, and he only just makes the last bus home, leaving his work clothes in the wardrobe in Charlie's room.

There are more emails from Phil when Charlie looks. He replies to a couple of them.

Friday morning, Jason arrives early for breakfast again, this time in his Sesame Street t-shirt and cargo pants over the top of his bulky night nappy and plastic pants. After he's changed in the bathroom, he channelhops while Charlie makes breakfast. Jason laughs when Sesame Street is on. It's a fun coincidence, so he leaves it on. He doesn't notice his nose is running or that he's dribbled a bit until Charlie serves breakfast and helps him clean up. It's weird, because that sort of thing never happens at work. He does his best with the porridge and the plastic spoon, but it's not really happening. Charlie feeds it to him to save time. Jason sits back and just opens his mouth and chews, distracted by planning out his work day while watching Sesame Street. Spoonfuls of porridge and attention from Charlie seem to work as well as a sucked thumb, because he feels comfortable enough to wet his nappy while he's being fed.

So that's progress, he tells Charlie and Charlie agrees he's doing really well.

After he's showered and changed himself in the bathroom, he grabs his work clothes from Charlie's bedroom and Charlie helps him do the buttons on his shirt, tie his tie and zip up his fly, and tie his shoes, of course.

Jason has to be at a lunchtime meeting on Friday, but on Friday night he comes back to the flat and after Charlie's fed him some stew, he takes a long bubble bath. He has to call Charlie in to help him get his hair washed with the baby shampoo he bought on Thursday, but Charlie's OK with it. Jason's crying by the end and Charlie thinks it's because the shampoo got in his eyes, but Jason explains, as Charlie helps him towel off, that he tried hugging his bear last night so he could pee, but it didn't work. Charlie tells him the bear is magic and it will work in the future, honestly.

Jason tells Charlie how scared he got last night and how much he missed being at the flat.

'I know,' Charlie says, hugging naked Jason in a towel. 'I know, little one, but you'll be fine. You have a nice job now and you have money. Things are going to be OK.'

'But I am scared at night. I've always been scared at night.'

'It's OK, Jason. You can stay tonight, you can stay here with me.'

'Yes, and, daddy,'

'Yes, Jason?'

'I made a phonecall today.'

'At work?'

'Yes, I called up the letting agents.'

'Did you? I wondered if you might do that.'

'Yes, Daddy, and I've put an offer in on this flat. They've accepted.'

'Well, that's great news, Jason. So you'll be able to be somewhere where you're comfortable, won't you?'

'Yes. It's going to be really nice.'

'And you'll be able to have my room, won't you, and the consulting room as your office if you work from home sometimes?'

'Yeah.'

'I'm really happy for you that it's worked out, Jason. I'm not sure where this is all going, but it's been a pleasure to be part of making you smile so much. You've smiled a lot this last week, Jason. You seem confident in yourself again, in a funny kind of way.'

'I know.'

'Why don't we make up a bed in the consulting room tonight for you? I think I've got a special waterproof sheet in case of leaks. You can always give me a shout if you're frightened in the night. At least you won't have to get on the bus in a big wet nappy tomorrow.'

'No.'

Jason sleeps through the night, but is up at seven, knocking on Charlie's door.

'Daddy?'

'Yes, Jason?'

'It's time for my last hypno session today, isn't it?'

Charlie pads in his pyjamas across the room and opens the door. 'Well, yes, Jason, it is, but, er, do you think we really need to do it after all?'

'Yes, please, I want to tell you about my last memory.'

'And you want me to hypnotise you to do that?'

'Yes.'

'All right, but let's have some breakfast and TV first, Jason.'

'OK.'

'Go and get yourself changed and showered too. You've leaked all down your pyjama leg, you mucky pup.'

'OK. I did stickies too.'

'Did you? Never mind. Was it nice?'

'Yes.'

Since it's Saturday Charlie feeds Jason a big breakfast. Jason didn't move his bowels yesterday so he needs to get them moving.

Then, while Jason watches cartoons and sucks on a dummy he bought on the way home yesterday, Charlie takes his time putting the books back on the shelves, putting up the posters, stripping down the bed and turning it back into a massage table, getting things just so for their last ever therapeutic session.

Charlie takes Jason's hand and hups him on to the massage table, hands under his armpits. Jason sits on the edge in his crumb-soiled Sesame Street t-shirt and nappy. Charlie takes off Jason's bib, wipes his dribbly chin with it and throws a towel over his own left shoulder. He doesn't lie Jason down. Instead he takes the lad in his arms and starts stroking his back and patting it alternately with one hand, tapping the seat of his nappy with the other.

I guess this is what the beginning of massage is, he thinks, winding and cuddling and drying between your toes. It's all love of one kind or another. It's a strange sort of way to go about getting it, but it sort of made sense in the end. Mostly. If you try hard not to be too sceptical.

Jason does a couple of burps and a couple of farts, but then he settles down and soon is relaxed. Charlie feels Jasons right arm curl up under Charlie's left, press against Charlie's back and close to his right ear he hears the sound of Jason sucking on it.

I guess Jason's gone under, he thinks.

'Tell me your memory, Jason,' Charlie coos into Jason's ear.

'It wasn't very much,' Jason says, shifting into Charlie, trying to be as close to him as possible.

'Do you need to get up to show me?'

'Can I show you on the sofa?'

'All right, let's get you over there.'

Jason is awkward because Charlie can't work out what he's trying to do, but eventually, once Charlie realises he needs to sit down, Jason crawls into his lap and sits, pulling Charlie's arms around him. He kisses Charlie on the cheek and blushes.

'It was just this,' he says. 'I was in daddy's lap. I can't remember how old. Probably two. I was supposed to be potty trained, but it was early days.'

'You were still wearing a nappy?'

'It was trainer pants. Anyway, I remember knowing two things. One, I wasn't supposed to be using them to wee and poo in.'

'OK.'

'But the other thing was that I knew that I could - that that was what they were for. Not just that I could, but that if I did, I would be forgiven. My daddy was pretty patient with me. So I knew that.'

'Go on.'

'So I needed to go, of course, and I just remember sitting there, in his lap, thinking about my options. Actually having a choice. Not just doing it because I couldn't help it, and not just being naughty on purpose. I could do it on purpose, but he would think it was an accident.'

'And this is a real memory you have?'

'This one is, yes.'

'How many of them were real?'

'Not all of them. Not the one about the pub, and not the one about the Monopoly board, and the Bar Mitzvah one was a bit exaggerated. But you knew that, right?'

'Not at the time, but I know it now.'

'Are you angry?' asks Jason.

'I was when I first figured it out.'

'When was that?'

'Last Sunday, but...'

'But what?'

'I couldn't stay angry with you. You must have found me on that AB site, years ago.'

'Yes, it took me ages to find out where you lived in the town and what you did.'

'That must have taken persistence. And cleverness.'

'You still have a choice, you know. I'd never force anyone into being my daddy.'

'Yes, Jason, I know that.'

'You could go back and carry on with your other half. I wouldn't be able to stop you.'

'Yes, I know I could.'

'Did you know that you wrote that on your profile, all those years ago?'

'On the AB site? Wrote what? I've no idea what I wrote.'

'Fake it till you make it. You said "not become a baby or daddy yet but fake it till you make it lol"'

'That was careless of me.'

'Yeah, but I reckon I did a pretty good job of following your advice, right?' asks Jason.

'Finish telling me your memory,' says Charlie.

'OK. Well, there isn't much more, but like I say I knew two things. I knew I could choose to do it, that I wouldn't be punished for the choice. And one other thing. I knew that if I did do it I would be put on the table and changed, like before. I knew that I had the power to make that happen. Well, maybe I didn't know that exactly, but in a sort of way I did. I sort of knew for the first time that it wasn't the grownups in charge, it was me. But only if I made him change me.'

'I see. And what did you finally decide to do?'

'Well, I thought about it, but I didn't do it. I really wanted to. I was so warm and comfortable and ecstatic in his arms, loved like crazy, loved unconditionally. And the toilet was a scary cold place that I didn't really want to go and couldn't go unless he was there with me. But all the same, something stopped me. I knew I had a chance to get changed on the mat, but somehow I didn't take it.'

'And you've regretted it ever since?' Charlie's barely whispering now. They're so close. He's rocking Jason in his arms. His leg's going dead but he doesn't care.

'Well, kind of. Daddy answered his phone and I just got off his lap and thought, well, I've decided to be grownup, so now I just need to to go to the potty and not even tell daddy that I need to go. I'll just get on the potty by myself and when he's finished on the phone he can see what a big boy I am and he'll be proud of me. So I went over to my play area and I started trying to take off my trousers.'

'What then?'

'Then I realised I didn't know how to get my belt undone by myself. I just looked down and I remember my hands sort of fumbling with it.'

'I see.'

'And he was on the phone, sort of looking over at me, but distracted, and me must have thought I was playing. And then of course, I couldn't hold it.'

'You went in your pants?'

'Yes, front and back. And just stood there on my playmat. I was looking at my wooden train standing still, feeling it happen. Knowing that, after all, I wasn't big enough to prevent it. And he came over after he got of the phone.'

'Did you tell him what happened?'

'He asked me if I'd been but I said I hadn't. Then he figured it out and wanted to know why I hadn't said anything.'

'So he didn't know you were actually trying to be grown up?'

'No. And I realised I might as well have done it in his lap. He'd've been less annoyed. I'd've felt less ashamed.'

'I understand, Jason.'

'If I did it now,' whispers Jason, 'wet and messed myself in your lap, what would you do?'

'You mean would I ask you why you hadn't said anything?'

'Would you expect me to change myself?'

'You know what a therapist would say, don't you?'

'Yeah, it wouldn't be allowed.'

'Yes, as your therapist I couldn't let you put me in the position of gratifying your fetish.'

'No, OK.'

'But if you do it, Jason, I will change you, however dirty you are. And I wouldn't consider it your fault. And from that moment on you're not my patient any more. You can't pay me to give you massages or life advice or always expect unconditional positive regard. Or even expect me to go along with any of your fibs, big or small.'

'I know.'

'You'll do your job and act grownup in the daytime so you can earn the money that keeps the household going. You'll have to get to know the real me a lot more.'

'Yes.'

'I'll keep the household going. I'll feed you, clean you, and you'll be entitled to two things. Well, it's one thing really.'

'Tell me, daddy.'

'Forgiveness, always.'

'Thank you, daddy.'

'And that's because you'll have the other thing. Unconditional love.'

'No matter how messy or dirty I am?'

'Or how snotty, or dribbly or clumsy. Is that definitely what you want, Jason?'

'Yes. It always was. Since I was seventeen. Since I was two.'

'OK, then,' Charlie shifts Jason's weight a little. 'I think we're ready. When I count backwards from ten you'll wake up and you're going to remember everything and not be under any suggestion at all; nor will I. But before that you're going to become younger. For each number I count you're going to be that age. Ten, nine, eight... And when I reach two...'

'Yes?'

'When I reach two, you have a choice to make, don't you?'

'Yes. I'm ready.'

'Seven, six, five, four, three...'


End file.
